KEY POINTS:
It's hard to be of good cheer at this time of the year, especially when many a columnist is either whinging about the year that was or coming down with a bad case of seasonal whimsy.
So we've called in some experts to cheer us up, tell us some jokes. Award-winning experts. These three gags were the winner and nominees at last week's New Zealand Comedy Guild Awards in which local comedians give out gongs to local comedians. Major winners included Rhys Darby for his performance as Murray in Flight of the Conchords, Sam Wills for this show The Boy with The Tape on His Face and our first act up tonight, ladies and gentleman:
Brendan Lovegrove and his gag of the year ...
(The following jokes come with a warning that not only may content offend, that they work better in the voices of those who created them than you reading them out loud at breakfast.)
"Everyone says there's a billion people living in China but there's not a billion people living in China because I went to China and there's one billion three hundred and eighty five million people living in China so by saying there's a billion people in China you're completely disrespecting 385 million people which is essentially the population of the USA.
China has one billion three hundred and eighty five million people, to put that into perspective New Zealand has 4 million. New Zealand wouldn't even be the size of a village in China. We'd be the amount of people waiting at the lights to cross the road. Whenever I'm overseas people say, 'Where are you from?' and I say, 'New Zealand', and if they were to say, 'What's the population there?', and I was to say, 'Zero', I'd still be 381 million people closer to the truth than saying there's a billion people living in China. And that's why it always makes me laugh when people say, 'If there's a lot of Chinese people eating in a Chinese restaurant then it must be a good restaurant.' But I think that's rubbish, I think the reason there's a lot of Chinese people eating in a Chinese restaurant is because there's one billion three hundred and eighty five million of them, it's a mathematical certainty because they all eat food and they all particularly enjoy Chinese. I see lots of Chinese people eating in crap Chinese restaurants because there's one billion three hundred and eighty five million of them. I see lots of Chinese people eating in European ones. I was in McDonalds today, and it was packed with Chinese people, and I thought, 'Good, this must be a particularly good McDonalds'."
From Derek Flores
" ... and what the hell is a Dick Smith? A Dick Smith? It sounds like there should be a big burly guy with a leather apron [mimes smithy work, pounding and grinding.] Your penis is ready sir!"
From Jeremy Elwood
"The rest of the world is worried about snipers, but the leading cause of gunshot death in this country appears to be deer hunting. How many times a season do you see that story; 'I shot my mate, cause I thought he was a stag'. Does anyone else think that has genuinely happened once, and ever since then it's been blokes taking guys they don't like on hunting trips? 'Thanks for bringing me out mate.'
'No worries. Can you just stand over there? Now go like this [Makes antler shape with hands]'
BANG.
'Sleep with my wife, mother ... "'
