Island Wars of nobodies

Island Wars presenters/umpires: Dave Fane and Mikey Havoc. Photo / Supplied

Reality TV has never been lauded for its intellectual bent, but if you tuned into the premiere of TV2's

Island Wars

on Sunday night you'd be forgiven for thinking you were in a marketing:101 class lead by Simon Fuller. Remember his

Spice Girls

?

Posh

,

Baby

,

Scary

,

Sporty

and

Ginger

were dished up to us as a brainless buffet of pointless personality types from which we could sample from.

Island Wars does the same. There's the "Funny Chick", the "Man of the Land", the "It Girl", the "Big Kiwi/Aussie Bloke", the "Beauty Queen" and the "Sportsman".

Plus, there are the two presenters slash umpires:

Dave Fane

and

Mikey Havoc,

whom the show was first named after. Originally called

Mike and Dave's Island Wars

, the programme now sports the more generic title,

Island Wars

, presumably because the two men are not in the headlines as much as they once were.

If you can get past the overt stereotypes, add in a $25,000 cash prize and a dash of cross-Tasman rivalry, you may have a recipe for television gold, outside the Bledisloe Cup. But, no. The formula is lacking one vital ingredient: people worth watching.

In the Kiwi team there is an array of Who's Who and Who's That from well-known comedian

Jan Maree

, to little-known shepherd

Danny Devine

, to former prosthetics make-up artist

Andrew Beattie

, former beauty queen

Laural Barrett

, former Warrior

Logan Swann

and former top model

Anna Fitzpatrick

.

Fitzpatrick, 22, covets the It Girl role on the programme, but if you read her biography on the show's website she appears decidedly more Ick Girl. Her fame to claim may be bringing alopecia to the forefront of the fickle fashionista brigade (yes, she's the bald model with 10 wigs), but her bio also humbly claims she's a:

* Model, TV presenter, A-list socialite, media darling.

* Was born and brought up in Remuera and Parnell to a wealthy family.

* Her favourite designer is Karen Walker, and travels to LA and San Diego to buy clothes twice a year.

* Always buys her shoes overseas - only buys designer heels "you can't buy good shoes in New Zealand".

* Only wears high heels.

* Is a self-confessed fussy eater - doesn't eat eggs or any seafood or pork or lamb, only likes steak and chicken.

* Is always out at fashion events, social events, Louis Vuitton opening, Gucci opening, Karen Walker launch.

Quite how Ms Fitzpatrick will brave high heels in the sand for sporting challenges is beyond me. Perhaps she can afford to be less stringent on that rule with a much desired TV profile up for grabs.

The Aussie team doesn't fear much better.

Katie Richardson

holds the Beauty Queen stereotype and rightly so. She is the current Miss World Australia, a vocation her biography highlights as a "full-time job" drawing one to wonder whether she should really hold the Funny Chick title.

There's also

Amelia Hunter

,

Jason Stevens

,

Evan Burrell

,

Craig Johnston

and

Jaime Wright

who claims to be "Australia's most Googled celebrity."

Nicole

and

Kylie

who?

Reality TV has always possessed a cringe factor that keeps viewers coming back each week, but Island Wars has taken wincing to a new level. The show poses many questions, such as why Fitzpatrick and her "wealthy family" are happy she's cast in the likeness of Ginger from Gilligan's Island (sans the sequins) as a shallow snob who refuses to buy locally made footwear? They say people will do anything for 15 minutes of fame, but is playing a carnivorous socialite who goes to the opening of a fashion envelope something to aspire to? Will it make for great TV? You decide.

Rachel Glucina

Pictured: The Kiwi team - Anna Fitzpatrick (It Girl), Andrew Beattie (Big Kiwi Bloke), Jan Maree (Funny Chick), Danny "Cage" Devine (Man of the Land), Laural Barrett (Beauty Queen) and Logan Swan (Sportsman). Photo / Supplied