KEY POINTS:
To survive in Auckland this week you need to be tough. Super tough. A gathering of the toughest people in show business - similar to the power generated by the showdown in The Highlander when the Immortals fight it out in New York City - is happening over the next six days. Among them there is hip-hop star 50 "I've been shot heaps of times" Cent, hard-talking tattooed-toughie Henry Rollins, and hypnotist Tony Lee, who looks like a wrestler and has the mind-manipulating power of Hannibal Lecter.
However, let's start with the toughest of them all. James Blunt's bodyguards will be on duty next Wednesday night at Vector Arena. It's the toughest job in the world, but someone's got to do it. Hey, you try wearing one of those security jackets with Blunty's name across it and see the reaction you get.
In all seriousness though, these guys have an important job to do, defending their boss from his rabid fans. Just a few weeks ago the singer/songwriter broke his finger fleeing a swarm of eager punters keen for an autograph or a sprig of his hair.
But being the posh and proper gentleman James is, he really should know better than to run with a cup of tea.
On the same night, across the water in Takapuna at the Bruce Mason Centre, a real tough guy - Henry Rollins - is performing. The former Black Flag and Rollins Band frontman is so tough he stopped singing, did away with his band, and now he just talks for a living.
And if, as the Rollins Band song goes, you've got a low self opinion, well, man, buck up because Henry won't be scared to give you a clip round the ear and tell you the score on everything from punk rock to Iraq.
Then there's the XXX tough guy Lee, the Canadian hypnotist who is here for the comedy festival and can make you take off your clothes, lick a stranger's nipple, and much worse, in front of a theatre full of people. He's so tough we're scared to go to his show and review it.
And finally we have Jonathan Davis from American metallers Korn who is so tough he plays the bagpipes. Don't laugh. Plus, he also used to work in a mortuary.
However, I have serious doubts about his toughness after being offered an interview with him following tomorrow night's gig at Vector. Don't know about you, but after coming off stage, with 12,000 fans gee-ing you up, brandishing their goat salutes, I wouldn't want to talk to a journalist. No, I'd rather be hangin' out with the guys from equally tough support bands Biohazard, Chimaira and Throwdown, and having a beer, or in Jonathan's case, a club soda, wouldn't you?
Jonathan needs to get out more and, to paraphrase Australian legend Chopper Read, toughen the [expletive] up.
And finally, 50 Cent. He's so tough he's been shot nine times and he's still dancing in da club, giving people hugs and calling others wanksta.
I tell ya, it's so tough in Auckland this week, most of the local bands have left town and gone to Wellington for Saturday night's Homegrown gig.
And to make things tougher, we go and put Iron Man (played by Robert Downey Jr who, like 50, has served time, which is pretty tough) on the cover. Basically, the cool thing to do this week is to make like New Kids On the Block - who are so tough they have been brave enough to reform - and hang tough.
