Maybe it was the problematic storylines - I see you, Hugh Grant, firing your assistant because you couldn’t control your urges, or maybe it was the infuriating way everyone seemed to think it was okay to call a size 10 woman “chubby”.
Ultimately I was left wondering if this film was more Millenial than skinny jeans, peplum tops and side parts.
And I can’t help but ask, what was all the fuss about?
Here are 20 of my unsolicited Gen Z thoughts on Love Actually:
1. Why is Liam Neeson (Daniel) on here? Is someone about to die? Turns out, yes they are. Now I feel awkward. But not as awkward as seeing his stepson (Sam) and remembering that there was only a five-year age gap between him and co-star Kiera Knightly (Juliet). Feels like a good time to resurface that.
2. Hugh Grant (the UK Prime Minister) walking into 10 Downing Street and proclaiming he is feeling “cool, powerful” is the exact energy I have walking into work wearing a new outfit.
3. OMG it’s the guy from Mamma Mia! What’s his name? Mr Darcy? Mark Darcy? Harry Bright? Colin Firth! Now playing Jamie, he’s in yet another romance movie. Will he find love or will he be rejected the same way Donna rejected him in the iconic film? Either way, here we go again.
4. Oh god, the much-discussed porn scene. To be honest, I’ve seen saucier stuff in other movies but somehow this scene feels more awkward than watching Fifty Shades of Grey with your mum while you desperately pretend you have no idea what sex is.
5. Okay, Neeson (Daniel) is back to f**k shit up, this time as you’ve never seen him: giving a eulogy at a funeral, later followed by his sister telling him to stop crying or nobody will want to sleep with him.
6. Mamma Mia man Jamie has retreated to his very sweet French countryside cottage after walking in on his girlfriend cheating on him with his brother. But don’t worry, love is actually all around us and he hires housekeeper Aurelia who cannot speak English and he cannot speak Portuguese, which can only mean one thing. Shy awkward guy + a shy foreign girl = Love.
7. Icky US President Billy Bob meets the UK Prime Minister at 10 Downing and majorly crosses a line when he hits on and later has some weird nonconsensual encounter with the PM’s assistant Natalie. Was it a kiss? Was he whispering in her ear? I don’t know but it would absolutely not pass in the post #MeToo world. Yuck.
8. No one panic, the UK Prime Minister is dancing. Is this the iconic scene? It is - it’s also how I’ll celebrate when this movie ends.
9. Jamie is sitting outside his cottage mending his broken heart with his typewriter - but gasp, his typewriter papers fly away, landing in the pond and resulting in Aurelia stripping down to retrieve them. Revealing a cheeky little tattoo on her back, we now know Aurelia’s a cool girl, so naturally this is the moment Jamie falls in love with her.
10. Not the dancing Prime Minister’s staff member describing Natalie as “the chubby girl” with a “sizable ass” and “huge thighs”. If I had to guess, she would be a healthy size 10-12. No wonder millennials have more body image issues than any other generation. Sigh.
11. Jamie and cool girl Aurelia share a kiss before she buggers off to the airport. It feels like this is the moment he chases after her but instead, he crashes his car. We all have our quirks.
12. They really said quantity not quality with the characters.
13. Mr Bean! The king of quality has arrived. Of course, the emotionally cheating husband (Harry) ruins it by buying an ugly gold heart-shaped necklace for his secretary, Mia. Thankfully, Mr Bean aka Rufus the retail worker gives a (should-be) award-winning gift-wrapping performance, and it’s the justice we all needed. Mr Bean saved this movie, he is my fave.
14. We are finally getting to the good part. Sex. Just kidding, the body doubles/soft porn stars/stunt doubles are falling in love. Cute, quirky and on brand for Love Actually.
15. Emma Thompson aka Karen and her loser husband Harry are exchanging Christmas gifts with their kids when Harry gives her not the heart necklace she found in his jacket but a Joni Mitchell CD to continue her “emotional education”. While some people (me) would have protected their peace by burning all his clothes, she stays calm, which I simply hate.
16. Bill Nighy aka Billy Mack calling his own song, Christmas Is All Around, “crap” is the best part of this movie.
17. Jamie ditching family Christmas, running away to find cool girl Aurelia with the tattoo and saying “A man’s gotta do what a man’s got to do” has really ticked a box for me. I bet this is how he won Donna in Mamma Mia over.
18. Dancing Prime Minster reading “Your Natalie” in her love confession letter is what it feels like having your first coffee for the day. And then him hailing his car to go find her. I really hope this is how Chris Hipkins courted Toni with an i.
19. Thought 19 simply must be the wildest moment of the film. Daniel takes the job of Stepdad 100 x more seriously than most people take their actual jobs and speeds Sam to the airport to profess his love for his singing schoolmate Joanna before she boards her flight to New York. Someone should tell Daniel his stepson is literally 10 and it simply isn’t that deep.
20. Okay, I take it back, Sam finding Joanna, getting a cheek smooch from her and grinning like he just won a soft toy from the claw machine is so adorable that I might spontaneously combust. This why we love love people. Now I understand why people love this film - kind of.
Love Actually is streaming now on Netflix.
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things Santa-tracking, Christmas songs we love to hate and all the work Christmas party characters you’ll most definitely see this festive season.
