KEY POINTS:
As you're about to see in a few pages time, I've been Spider-Manhandled. Flown to Tokyo, put up in a very nice, very high hotel. I got a ticket to the premiere (well, the neighbouring cinema to where the stars were, and we watched the Spidey 3 trailer 20 times while we waited for the speeches to finish next door), and an invite to the party (I stayed long enough to pinch Tobey Maguire's "reserved" sign from his table, after the VIPs left but not long enough to see the fighting on the dancefloor - American competition winners apparently).
Then to an afternoon of "interviews" with "the talent". That was after a press conference for Japanese media, which, with translations, took about 45 minutes to answer four questions. A whirlwind it was and enough to assemble a very large feature about a very large feature. Go read it now, then you can come back here and ask me: So what was it really like?
Well, American humorist-critic Joe Queenan once had a book about the movie business titled If You're Talking to Me Your Career Must be In Trouble. That title came to me while sitting elbow-to-elbow in a hotel room of journalists of various accents waiting for the next Spider-star to be wheeled in for another 15 minutes of bland answers to largely stupid questions. It occurred to me that the title of this adventure might be: If You're Talking to Me Your Movie Has a Really Great Marketing Budget But Do I Have to Share This Interview with the Loud and Annoying Guy from Argentina?
Hey, maybe his before-you-go-can-I-get-a-picture-with-you unctuousness is what passes for good manners back home. And by interview number six, even I was finding the collective banality he inspired among the entertainment journos kind of infectious.
During the monotonous encounter with the guy who plays Spider-Man - not his fault, really - I briefly wanted to whip out that "Reserved Maguire" sign and ask: Are You?
And I wasn't brave enough to put the question that had always troubled me about the Spider-Man movies: How the heck do you see out of that mask thing?
But no, in between some inquiries about the movie, Maguire got questions about fame, about whether [warning: spoiler] Peter Parker's proposal to Mary Jane in the film had inspired his own engagement ("I was totally inspired by the movie," he deadpanned), about what he liked to do in his spare time ( a long list which included "water activities").
Even more curious was the encounter with Thomas Haden Church, a man whose Texan drawl combined with much actorspeak came at a volume loud enough to knock you sideways. He was charming, though. So was Topher Grace, director Sam Raimi - who spent the first five minutes of our allotted 15 shaking hands; so was James Franco, who suffered our Argentinian fool gladly when asked about whether he'd do a fourth Spider-Man, [another spoiler alert] which is unlikely considering his character doesn't exactly survive the third.
But the oddest 15 minutes was with Kirsten Dunst, who, yes, is just as pretty in real life.
Dunst sure made the room's hitherto silent squad of Asian women journalists fire into action.
Boyfriend? (Johnny Borrell, the loudmouth of Brit band Razorlight, apparently). Better kisser ... Peter Parker or Harry Osborn? "That wouldn't be fair".
What superpowers would you like? "The ability to obliterate all weapons and have George Bush die a painful death being stung by hornets in a small claustrophobic room," said she. Which led to the great follow-up question: Spider-Man, Republican or Democrat? "Democrat," thought Dunst. Good. Glad we've got that cleared up then.
Dunst said her goodbyes, telling Annoying Argentinian guy that, no, she didn't have time for a photo with him. Poor guy looked heartbroken.
Here ya go big fella, have my "Maguire Reserved" sign.
