KEY POINTS:
Hi, my name is Britney and I am bald. I like my new haircut. You may be wondering why I did it. Well, contrary to reports that I've lost the plot/have head lice/am sick of the world's superficial preoccupation with my overexposed appearance that leads to unhealthy obsession among impressionable young people who become hooked on Ugg boots and white rappers, none of that is the truth.
I did it because I was sweatin' like a whore in church under those damned hair extensions. The voices said that unless I got rid of 'em they would wrap themselves around my throat in protest and stop me singin'. That would have been a tragedy, wouldn't it?
Plus, y'all know what I'm talkin' about when I say I just wanted to feel the wind in my scalp as I drove along the highway with my son in my lap.
I did it because - and don't hold this against me because I totally loved and respected her - Anna Nicole died. That's genius. How am I supposed to top that?
I thought me and Jacko had celebrity train-wreck coverage covered. I mean, I've worked hard to get where I am today. Makin' whoopie when I was meant to be a virgin, gettin' hitched, gettin' divorced, gettin' hitched again, gettin' pregnant, gettin' pregnant again, wearin' lo-riders and high g's, gettin' divorced again, goin' out with Paris (trash!), flashin' my cooter, fallin' down at New Year's, etc. I was just doin' what Madonna told me after she forced herself on me at the MTV Awards. I'm just reinventin', bringin' sexy back.
This is supposed to be the year of my breakdown, not Anna Nicole Blow-up Doll, who I loved, admired and respected with all my heart. Now she's immortalised in all her unforgettable plastic glory, and she gets all the column space I was meant to when I broke into the White House to have sexual relations with George W. But you never heard about that.
When I get out of rehab tomorrow I'm goin' straight back to that hair salon and suin' for letting me do that to myself. Then I'll get me some hot hair extensions and go on David Letterman and say how going under the buzzer made me feel alive, not like a super-talented megastar. I may also mention that my album's comin' out.
I had to get my skates on because the Oscars are comin' up. Chop-chop. I just took the phrase too literally. My time as a Scientologist also taught me Xenu favours those who look like their ancestors. When I heard the news that volcano in Columbia was erupting I knew I'd made the right decision.
Anyway, it's not like I'm the only one who does things that are out of character. Look at LonelyGirl15 - she had y'all convinced she was a real, live, lonely girl when she was just an actor from New Zealand. Now she's gonna be in a movie with Lindsay Lohan.
Why am I not jealous that I didn't get rewarded like that for my unveilin'? Because I'm already in a movie. Don't you realise I'm too good to be true? That all that stuff about my life is too unreal for reality? It is! Truth is, I'm a collaboration between Charlie Kaufman, Microsoft and Donald Trump, a walkin', talkin', livin' figment of marketin'.
They got sick of me lookin' pretty so they did an experiment and had me sink to the depths of madness by shavin' my head. I got 'em back though - Trump's comb-over is comin' off next.
Get used to it, media whores. You may be lappin' up my every sad, shambolic misstep in the press but just remember all of it is carefully controlled by a team of scriptwriters, software developers and WWF choreographers. All I ask is that you keep this to yourself. What are you gon' do with this information anyway? I bet you didn't take your conflict diamond back to the jewellery store when you saw Leo DiCaprio get killed in Sierra Leone. See you on the news. Love Britney. xoxo
