Rebecca Barry: Festival guide for the literary-confused

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of 'Eat, Pray, Love', will not be attending this years festival. Photos / Supplied

You are what you read, says the slogan. Which right now makes you a piece of fish'n'chip wrapping or a million little pixels, and me, Carrie Bradshaw as a teenager (I'm reading a young adult book about her pre-Sex and the City days. It's very sophisticated).

It could also mean you are a walking guide to the start times of everything on Sky this month, bedside literature that comes with naked mammaries or a flour-dusted, chocolate-splattered person named Edmund.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

So why the hell would you go to the Writers and Readers Festival (aka WAR)?

If I may pick up where fellow columnist Tracey Barnett left off last week - if you missed it, she made the valid point that it's worth going to sessions at random, even if you've never heard of the author, because you never know what you'll learn - here is an unofficial guide for dummies by a dummy to the festival. For people who either don't get time to read, have no desire to pretend 250 pages of drama occurred or who prefer to read extremely efficiently.

Because let's be honest, we've all read Lord of the Rings on DVD.

(Note, some of the names mentioned are part of wider events.)

Recommended if you read for the pictures: An Hour with photographer Marti Friedlander (May 16).

For David Letterman fans who aren't fussy: David Levithan, book writer, (May 13).

For those worried the neighbours have worked out who's responsible for painting their cat with curry paste: Kris Gledhill, mental health law specialist (May 15).

Maybe you just don't see why someone else can afford to travel the world talking about themselves and why should you listen to them when you can't do the same because your own mangled novel is languishing in the plastic bag drawer, rejected and unloved by 15 global publishers.

I speak not from experience. (It's under the couch.)

For tips on how to work through those negative emotions (psychotic jealousy): Brainstorm: Creativity Workshop (May 14-15).

For those who've given up on a book deal: Religion: What is it Good For? (May 16).

If you can't write chapter three until you've cleared your inbox, (or you're about to do an Office Space and "burn down the building"): John Freeman, whose book Shrinking the World suggests we tune out, turn off, unplug (May 16).

Reading needn't require solitude, concentration or eyeballs. Sometimes the best readers are the best listeners.

If you're keen to hear a former hula hoop grunge band bass player speak: Alicia Sometimes, whose lyrics are sometimes intriguing (May 15).

For those who prefer their Cut Chemist to their Catherine Cookson: Charlie Dark, founder of musicians and artists collective Blacktronica (May 16).

If you rhyme all the time to the point where it's considered a crime and your friends hate you: Poetry Idol, like the American one without the singing (May 16).

Maybe you're just wary of book snobs. I joined a book club for the first time this year and to my relief discovered I wasn't the only one with an aversion to Annie Proulx. So far we've picked over a graphic novel, a guide on how to start a business online and 57 packets of chocolate biscuits.

If you're suicidal now that Masterchef is over: Julie Biuso, celebrity gourmand (May 12).

If you've decided against that winter diet: Lauraine Jacobs, food and wine writer (May 12).

For precocious readers under the age of 2: The Beginner's Guide to Living (May 16).

The next book on the book club list: Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, a writer I'd practically Justin Bieberised to the point that the others insisted they read it too. This made me feel better because, on recently lamenting to an acquaintance not in the book club that the bestselling author was no longer going to be a guest speaker at the festival (because of a family emergency), I made the mistake of telling this person I'd only just finished reading Eat Pray Love. She replied, "only three years too late".

I'm so glad she pointed out that books have a time limit.

Best one to take your pompous mate who thinks books have a time limit: Ben Naparstek, who last year was appointed Editor of Australia's The Monthly at the age of 23 (May 14).

Best one to take your pompous mate who critiques your gas-guzzling Holden: Can the Arts Save the Planet? (May 15).

Best one to take your pompous mate who endlessly quotes Eliot and Austen: The Good Word Debate: Off the Shelf and Into the Hard Drive, the Book is Dead (May 12).