KEY POINTS:
I don't have kids but if one day I do, I'd like to think I'd refrain from giving them the car keys until at least the age of 6. Someone needs to tackle transport issues here and I'm not talking about bio-fuels.
I'm referring to the Hyundai ads that were banned in Australia this week. For those who missed it (too busy watching your children to keep up with the news, eh?) the award-winning New Zealand-made ads feature nappy-wearing toddlers driving cars around town. Not plastic broom-brooms. Proper, grown up four-wheel-drives.
The Aussie standards bureau said the ad "depicted an illegal driving practice" and must be pulled. What? They were wearing seatbelts. They weren't on their cellphones. And it looked to me as though the blonde kid could execute a flawless handbrake without burning too much rubber. Everyone knows young people are the safest drivers.
But no. The ad received more than 80 complaints and was banned for fears toddlers would copy it. The story was backed up by a Kiwi mum who complained her little one had attempted to climb into the family wagon for a potential burn-out around the neighbourhood, and during the break-in, had damaged the paintwork.
Did she not stop to consider that perhaps bubba was merely trying to key the car? Mummy, I may not be able to talk yet but I am trying to warn you that I'm thinking of taking off to the Coromandel in your Fiat for the weekend. You'd better stop me before I go pick up my ganja-smoking mate from kindy.
Another recent media report said a toddler - who was left alone in the car with a baby while mum went shopping - had let the handbrake off in the carpark. The person who reported this offence blamed the Hyundai ad. Because we'd all be safer leaving our kids alone in the carpark without ads corrupting their minds.
The baby drivers weren't the only transport-related item of consternation this week. Obviously not content to leave the mile-high fraternising to Hollywood star Ralph Fiennes, Matthew Ridge and Rebecca Loos attempted something similar on a flight to LA, without venturing into the privacy of Rebecca's surname. A news report quoted a fellow passenger: "They started snogging then she disappeared under the blanket." Let's not jump to conclusions here. Perhaps all that time filming Treasure Island in Fiji, followed by the harsh air-conditioning on the plane had given her a head cold and she was just trying to keep warm. Give the girl some credit. That goes to the air steward too who asked them to "modify their behaviour". This sounds to me like they were getting free sex advice. Quite thoughtful of the airline to suggest the new couple spice things up. I guess that's why it's called Business Class.
Anyway, we're talking about two people who wouldn't dream of attracting attention. The paparazzi-hounded couple were snapped trying to enjoy a quiet moment of romance on the beach in Malta, and the poor things ended up topless in tabloids around the world.
A reader from Mairangi Bay complained to the Herald this week that Loos should not be referred to as a celebrity because it degrades the paper.
"She deserves zero media coverage, no money and no fame," he wrote. I disagree. For someone who nearly destroyed one of the world's most annoying celebrity couples - and you know who I'm talking about - she deserves every prying camera and lady-lovin' larrikin she can get.
I hope she and Ridgey continue their relationship, pop out a couple of sprogs and when the kids are old enough to wear pull-ups, let them drive around town in the Hyundai. That would really make a point.
