KEY POINTS:
Cycle 10. Can it really be cycle 10? Is that a lot? Or enough? I think it might be enough. If it's cycle 10, can that mean I've been watching this nonsense for 10 years?
And what might that mean? That I haven't experienced any personal
growth? (What
is personal growth? Does not knowing make me a shallow person? Or a wise one?)
One way of looking at this, while trying to decide whether I should be looking at this at all, could be to pose myself a question. Do I want
to be watching this stuff when I'm 80?
Oh dear. I suspect I might. Because what will the wannabe models on America's Next Top Model be like in 80 years' time? Will girls still have spots in 80 years? Will they still all say "like" every second
word? Will they be robots? Will a newfangled thing called feminism mean that there are no more programmes like ANTM? That last question is an
idiotic one. ANTM is all about feminism. It's about making choices and chasing your dream and being a strong young woman. Being a strong young woman means that your goal is to beat those other bitches. Isn't that what feminism, or personal growth, means?
This season had a twist (is a yawn what a twist becomes when there have been so many of them you yearn for there not to be a twist?) This twist was somebody's idea of a fantasy. It is just possible that this twist is a man's idea of a fantasy: to put the girls in school uniforms, which means knee-socks. Are knee-socks sexy? Or even a good look? Why do those girls shriek and blub all the time - whether they win or don't win - if they're supposed to be role models for young women? I don't know the answer to those questions.
I do know that Tyra should be prevented from doing her ham acting cameos. This time she was a Prom Queen, all running mascara and crooked tiara. "I slept with all your boyfriends," she shrieked. Was she supposed to be a drunk Prom Queen? Nope, don't know the answer to that either.
The first photo shoot was to pose as a bum, with real bums. Oh, sorry,
homeless people. This was to create awareness, and presumably empathy, for people who have really bad, stinky clothes. This seems to me to be an odd way to sell fashion. Maybe it's already 80 years in the future and I've gone gaga and have forgotten that this is the future.
If those girls are the future, I'm going to top myself now. Imagine them
being your caregivers. But of course they won't be, because they'll all be top models, won't they?
Now that is a question we all know the answer to.
Did you know that tiger cubs don't miaow? They make odd grunting noises
that sound like the last noise a human might make as its head was being
gnawed off by Mum tiger. Aw, but they're ever so cute despite being trained killers.
Tiger: Spy in the Jungle is David Attenborough - who makes odd almost whispery noises as though he's in the jungle, even when he's not actually in the jungle at those moments when he's doing the voice-
over in some studio somewhere. But nobody can make the wild as
suspenseful as, say, an ANTM elimination, as Attenborough.
And you can rely on Dave to not go in for gimmicks and twists. Oh. Elephant cam? Yes. Elephant cam, which is elephants with cameras
cunningly disguised (not very, but wildlife doesn't watch reality TV like ANTM and so is not canny about not-so-hidden hidden cameras) as logs of wood.
What I want to know is this: if Tiger: Spy in the Jungle wins an award for cinematography, do the elephants get to make the acceptance speech? And will they blub if they don't win? Or if they do?