Michele Hewitson: Give them enough rope

Off the Ropes. Photo / Supplied

I'm sure I heard one of the wrestlers on Off the Ropes (Prime, Sundays, 1.30pm) introduce himself as Max the Axe Damage. He might have been the bloke who was advising us not to try "any of the moves on this show" at home, at school, or anywhere. "Leave it in the ring," he, or some other bloke with muscles and very tight little lycra shorts, admonished.

Righto. But what a shame. There were some nifty moves involving men getting other men's heads and twisting them; men doing contortionist things to other men that, if not for the lycra, might have been deemed X-rated viewing; men pulling other men's hair. Do not try that at school, girls. If you want to bully another kid, that's what your cellphone's for.

Did we really once watch this stuff? I have an awful feeling I did watch Off the Ropes' now ancient ancestor, On the Mat. I'm pretty sure I knew it was all bad acting then.

I have no idea whether those old wrestlers had acting lessons. This lot, apparently, have had acting lessons, although I'm not clear on whether it was just for the dramatic interludes, or for the wrestling itself.

I'd very much like to know who the acting coach is so that I might book in for a few lessons - in the event that I'm invited to a Christmas party where charades are to be played. I'd like to perfect my impersonation of a ham.

I do wonder who will watch Off the Ropes. Kids, possibly. But if you're not allowed to use the moves to intimidate other kids, what's the point? I am also left wondering whose idea it was for the "mini-dramas", as they have been advertised.

There seemed to be only one on Sunday, but I was a bit busy trying out the hair-pulling move on the sissy girl from up the road, so I may have missed something.

The bit I saw involved some pouty, scowly sheila called Diva Queen Hollie and her new intern. I have no idea what Queen Hollie's role is, other than to pout and scowl and wear white pointy boots. Hollie said, to the intern: "Wash my feet."

The intern said: "Um, you're wearing stockings."

That seemed more of a nod to some bizarre fetish than a mini-drama, but perhaps that's rather the whole point of wrestling.

Is Off the Ropes reality telly? Don't be silly. Top Chef Masters (Tuesdays, TV3, 7.30pm) is supposed to be the real thing: real celebrity chefs cooking real food for real celebrity food critics.

This is a silly show. The celebrity chefs first had to make dessert for some junior girl scouts. This was stupid because eight-year-olds should be banned from flash restaurants. And, what would they know about food? Answer: Nothing.

Then the chefs had to cook a three-course meal, in a college dorm room, using a hot plate, a toaster oven and a microwave oven.

I was glad to hear that two of the chefs didn't know how to use a microwave oven.

One celebrity chef, Hubert Keller, said he did have one at home, but he only used it for drying the newspaper. That is the only thing a chef, or even a cook, should use a microwave oven for.

So Hubert got my vote. He got everyone else's vote too, but I suspect not for the same reason. There is a disclaimer at the end of Top Chef Masters which tells you that: "some ... elimination decisions were made by the judges in consultation with the producers."

In other words, it's about as real as the wrestling on On the Mat. Boo, hiss, get off.