KEY POINTS:
Tonight, Simon, I'm going to be ... wearing bright orange makeup and huge false buck teeth, so I can't sing properly when I have a crack at being Freddy Mercury shrieking Bohemian Rhapsody.
You can't blame Aucklander Steve/Freddy for the makeup in last night's kick-off of the Kiwi version of Stars in Their Eyes. But you can blame Steve for the teeth. They were his idea and, as he admitted after a feverish rendering of one of the most copied songs in the world, they proved a hindrance, especially when he went for those high notes - forgetting, in the process, to mince about as Freddy so loved to do. It would have been hilarious if, as he bawled, "Nothing re-a-lly ma-tt-ers", those teeth went flying.
It's hard to applaud TV One for bringing Stars in Their Eyes to our screens in primetime. The concept and the format are so cheesy. The British show's profile was partly because of the campy charisma of host Matthew Kelly. He oozed an unctuous charm, which he has since put to use playing psycho killers in TV dramas. I doubt the same career path awaits our bland host, Simon Barnett, who thought everything was ... "brilliant!"
Nowhere near it. This was a playing-safe show, with music very much of the 90s or much earlier, featuring "Robbie Williams", "Dolly Parton" and "Meat Loaf". "Shakira" made the proceedings slightly more contemporary but why doesn't someone come on and say, "Tonight, Simon, I'm going to be Nick Cave/Robert Smith/PJ Harvey?" Now that would be funny.
Each guest was introduced with a short preview. Steve was seen on the golf course. "I love the exercise!" he exclaimed - as he drove off in his cart. David/Robbie Williams, a quiet chap, said he worked at Fisher & Paykel. How awful for him. With the aid of a shaven head and false tatts, he made a fair fist of Angels, but didn't have near-enough sass. Buxom blonde Karen/Dolly Parton bummed notes in Here You Come Again, after which Barnett gushed, "You're lovely" three times. Twice would have been sufficient, if you got his drift. Andy, of Dunedin, was filmed first in his shed where he escaped to play the drums, guitar, banjo, whatever. The neighbour from hell got a text from a mate asking what on earth he was doing going on the telly. "Thank god I've got a wide-screen," quipped the mate. Andy was indeed the right build to morph into Meat Loaf bellowing Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth.
There were preview scenes of Caroline/Shakira, working out with her boyfriend to achieve the famous Shakira body. Shakira is most famous for her frantic butt'n'hip-swivel but this one was more of a swayer as she worked through Forever. But she sounded more like her idol than any of the others- and won.
Aside from the cheap set, the naff format, the wince-making band, the unconvincing impersonations, the boring songs, there's nothing much else wrong - except Barnett. He needs to broaden his vocab, which ranges from the afore-mentioned brilliant to stunning, legendary, unreal, unbelievable. Those words do not match the reality. In Britain, the contestants had to look and sound almost exactly like their idols. Not here, so far. Tonight, Simon, I'm going to be ... unbelievable.
