Janet McAllister: The art of celebrity speed dating, with no threat of romance

Playing the dating game with art celebs like Hamish Keith (left) was more fun, and informative, than expected. Photo / Supplied

Winning those meet-a-celebrity contests must be really awkward. You're the fawning fan, and have to be satisfied with artificial intimacy; the celeb is under sponsorship duress to be nice.

Kids: don't do it! Become journos instead. We get backstage passes, and a great excuse to chat up good looking people at speed-dating gigs.

For example, last week I attended Artweek's art speed-dating event at Alleluya in St Kevin's Arcade, K Road. Us "art novices" met 10 "art experts" one-on-one to find out more about Auckland's art scene.

With only a bottle of wine as incentive, all the experts turned up, apart from naughty Walters Prize winner Dan Arps (spotted in a Mt Albert Four Square a couple of hours earlier). And they were all nice to us, even "cultural curmudgeon" Hamish Keith, who reckoned he was there just to make up the numbers.

The experts sat at small tables in a circle, facing outwards in a group defence formation. We novices sat facing them, on the outside looking in, allowed three minutes with each expert before the bell jangled and we all shuffled off to the right, like a barn dance held in a really noisy barn.

"I'd be terrified to come to this if I didn't have to," said Artspace director Emma Bugden, as shy and retiring as her first-floor gallery, in spite of her bright lipstick. But it turned out to be great fun. Three minutes was not enough time for the experts to get scared we novices would expect to be on their Christmas card list, so they relaxed and gave us quick solo performances.

Starkwhite gallery co-director John McCormack, in raconteur mode, was proud to call himself a phony: "Expert is a bad word these days. You need to be free-wheeling, free-thinking, the world's changing so quickly. Phonies know they're off their patch."

Wallace Prize winner Samantha Mitchell was immediately likeable. "No one knows who I am!" she mock-wailed. Art prize winners take note: no controversy, no instant celebrity.

Independent curator Andrew Gomez, who looked the youngest expert, was also the most snappily dressed: blue blazer, blue-striped shirt, blue tie in angular 1980s computer game style.

"Novice" artists asked him how they could get dealer representation; he told them to get a masters degree.

"Novice" artists asked Josie McNaught (longtime arts journalist and - possibly less relevant - producer and director of My House, My Castle) how to get publicity. She told them to try the local press.

Ten experts saw 10 novices at a time on the merry-go-round; as there were 40 novices altogether, later dates got a bit sloshed while waiting to start their education.

"Exhausted?" I asked Hamish Keith, who momentarily had a vacant chair in front of him, near evening's end. "Oh no, I'm just hitting my stride!" he replied. "Here, come and have another date!"