KEY POINTS:
Fergie, Fergie, Fergie.
Just a month after being crowned Mother of the Year by a US charity the Duchess of York is back in the headlines for all the wrong reasons.
Fergie, it seems, is proving to actually be something of a dummy-mummy after exposing her teenage daughters Beatrice and Eugenie to an allegedly drug-fuelled party scene in 2005 while holidaying in Jamaica.
Among the more unsavoury characters in the "Euro-trash" hangers-on during the 10-day getaway was Paolo Liuzzo, 24, who claims that Fergie set him up with shy Beatrice when she was just sweet 16.
Her maternal instincts failing her, Fergie did not think to check out his credentials let alone his criminal record, which would have uncovered a conviction for assault and battery.
It could have been worse.
Liuzzo had originally been charged with manslaughter in 2002 after a drunken fist fight in New York left a teenager dead.
When the UK press got wind of his bad-boy past Liuzzo was quickly ejected from the royal jet-set.
But he proved to have not just loose fists but loose lips, getting his revenge in a tell-all that puts Fergie right in the frame as bad-mum.
One photo from the ill-fated holiday has Fergie with a cigarette, albeit unlit, hanging out of her mouth - not an image the American Cancer Society who voted her top-mum may care for.
The Woman's Day also has photos of her looking somewhat like a mad-mum, holding a brolly while wearing a banana on her head and a "wash hands only" sign hanging off her waist.
If only Fergie could wash her hands of this PR disaster.
Her daughters' Granny, the Queen, is reportedly seething about their exposure to underage drinking, drugs and dodgy men.
In her defence, Liuzzo says that while Fergie drank like a fish she was hysterically funny.
But as one good parent goes bad, another comes good as the magazines tell us how Kevin Federline is impressing everyone as he struggles to help Britney Spears recover from her hair-razing antics.
Even Spears' family sings his praises as he cares for their two young boys, Sean, 18 months, and Jayden, 6 months, while his former wife gets her life back in order.
He is said to have offered to give her another chance (hang on, didn't she dump him?) after witnessing her despair.
Even Aussie sweetheart Olivia Newton-John is not spared a parental crisis. New Idea tells us how she has bravely dealt with her daughter Chloe Lattanzi's anorexia.
Fergie can take comfort as even Olivia admits she was not the perfect mum.
When asked what the secret to motherhood was Olivia says: "We all mess up some way with our kids and I'm sure I did."
She forgot about holier-than-thou Madonna who is reported in the same magazine as keeping her daughter Lourdes under tight rein.
No boys for Lourdes until she turns 18, no late night TV, junk food and mess not tolerated.
As New Idea aptly says - Mama don't preach.
The NZ Woman's Weekly continues a parental theme with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie planning to adopt another child, a boy from Vietnam.
Not so keen on kids is Dame Helen Mirren who says she is happy she didn't have children and admits she is not sure about her role as stand-in-mum to her step-children.
"I was never very motherly towards the kids. When they refer to me as their stepmother, it freaks me out."
But she still takes the moral high ground claiming her childlessness is her contribution to world ecology.
Dame Helen thinks a graphic sex-education film she was forced to sit though at the age of 14 put her off reproducing.
"I was physically and mentally traumatised in a severe way."
By contrast Naomi Watts is positively aglow with pregnancy and her friend Nicole Kidman is also discussing her family plans.
And to prove children can appreciate their parents an emotional America Ferrera, aka Ugly Betty, tearfully thanked her mother after winning her Golden Globe award.
Her mum, a Honduran immigrant, single-handedly raised five daughters and insisted each one graduate from university.
Not to be outdone Coro St star Jane Danson, aka Leanne, is lost in baby heaven having just had her first child but admits she also can't wait to get back to the cobblestones work for her family's future.
