KEY POINTS:
Prince William and his girlfriend Kate Middleton are paying the price for failing to sate the desire of women's mags for a sellout royal engagement.
The couple are said to be on the verge of breaking up because of William's late night clubbing with other women and his wandering hands.
The cover of Woman's Day has "Kate's pain over Wills' betrayal" splashed across a photo of unhappy Middleton who gives the impression she has just come straight from the dentist. But it's heartache not toothache that has Kate all pale and anxious.
Then again, maybe she's just pissed at being confronted with yet another snapper.
But no - inside we read sweet-natured Kate usually flashes her "characteristic smile" at the paparazzi.
Her sour-puss looks follow reports that Wills had spent a week in the company of not one but two other girls involving a bit of chest groping.
He even invited one back to his Dorset barracks after a drinking and dancing session in a nightclub, his first night out after a week of tank commander training.
Kate might have mixed feelings to learn that while the 19-year-old blonde said the prince was "not my type", she did go home with him although nothing happened.
In a separate incident, an 18-year-old student reported being stunned after Wills grabbed her chest with his "big manly hands".
The magazine warns Kate could become another Camilla. This means she is set to be passed over until Will comes to his senses and proposes, but only after he drives the magazines into a readership frenzy by dating a string of maybe brides, marrying the wrong woman, divorcing her and then winning Kate by cellphone.
It may not be a fairytale ending however as the Woman's Weekly describes Camilla as a "duchess in despair" as the honeymoon period of her wedding to Charles wears off. Oh, and she's worried about her "big tummy" too.
The magazine also suggests Camilla has been a bit spoilt by Charles and is getting airs and graces above her station.
She's only the wife of the future King of England after all.
When she recently went to hospital for a hysterectomy, Camilla insisted on taking her own mattress and ordered up organic food.
In somewhat of a contradiction, an aide relays how Camilla insists on lots of salads but "not too many vegetables". No mincing of words though from a courtier who rather harshly described the boss' wife as "difficult, demanding and rather stupid".
The Weekly also gets stuck into the royal ratbag princes and has a photo of Harry stumbling out of a nightclub. He had to be helped back onto his feet and into a waiting Range Rover but only after chasing a photographer along the street.
At the same time but 160km away, Wills was astounding onlookers by dancing on a nightclub podium.
And it wouldn't be the Woman's Weekly without a bit of local news and this week it's news that NZ Idol judge Paul Ellis has found a new man.
In fact, he's marrying him but it was not before the unsuspecting bloke got vetted by Ellis' mate Anita McNaught to make sure he was up to scratch.
The New Idea goes one better than its rivals, the magazine actually having a photo of Prince William's big manly hand wrapped round the chest of a diminutive Brazilian.
But its front page is dedicated to Paul Holmes who vows "I will keep my promise" and inside reveals how after a serious car crash 33 years ago he determined to always live life to the full.
The magazine can confirm that Holmes need not worry about two left feet as he competes in Dancing with the Stars but rather one blind eye.
After the crash, where Holmes was thrown from a ute after it ran off the road in Kaikoura, he was left with severely impaired vision in his right eye.
While this might help explain his rather unfortunate aviation record, the death-defying Holmes does not seem to think his disability will harm his chances on the dance floor.
He has chosen Paralympics New Zealand, of which he is patron, as his charity.
It turns out that he also fractured his neck in that 1973 car accident and could have ended up paralysed.
