Frances Grant: Thank you very much and a good night

Fifteen years since the last Telethon and it was as much a blast from the past as an indication of how things have changed.

Gone is the old Kiwi reticence and modesty: "Show us the money!" came the roar at grand total time on Saturday's Big Night In. We had to wait two hours for the return of the old "Thank you very much" song, and in the 21st century gratitude comes complete with scantily clad cheerleaders rather than conga lines.

Comedians Bill and Ben were brought in early, to remind us of the old Telethon's talent for creating "cringey, car-crash television" and promised to deliver more of the same. But the point about car-wreck television is that it can't be deliberately manufactured. It's the very seriousness of it at the time that makes it fun in retrospect. You can't do it knowingly, but there were attempts to be naff and hilarious with stunts such as burly league player Monty Betham in drag, sashaying with the "Top Models".

Another point of difference from the past: Telethon seemed to have become an abridged version of New Zealand Idol. The Big Audition certainly had its ear-splitting triers, brought out time and again to help fill up those long 23 hours, but without the sardonic comments of the judges it all seemed a bit tame.

But, as in the best Telethons of days gone by, strange things do emerge about the nation. For example, the number of school teachers harbouring ambitions to be stellar entertainers. And all along we thought that was the preserve of dead-end office workers, a la David Brent.

Another shock revelation: the state of the nation's vocabulary. It was surely a missed fundraising opportunity. If the telethon had received a dollar for every time one of the presenters or celebrity guests said the word "awesome", it would have hit the seven-figure mark before midnight. Add throwing in a buck for every time presenter Kate Rodger told a city, or a person, they rocked, and you would have had a nice little earner on the side.

Rodger also scored best outfit, treating us to a flowing garment that might be described as half a burqa. Combined with the electric shock hairdo, she looked like she'd had some kind of harrowing run-in with the Taleban on the way to the Wellington studio. Meanwhile, up in Auckland, Carly Flynn's hair had its own fascinations, going through more contortions than the Cirque du Soleil guest performer.

Without the extravagance of dress and coiffure allowed the women, the men struggled to get our attention. John Campbell, however, took the gong for unintentional car-crash telly for his alarming determination to smooch Mike McRoberts.

Other highlights: Ray Columbus and Gary McCormick terrorising innocent children, who hadn't realised Telethon would involve being sucked into some kind of old farts' twilight zone.

Mike McRoberts, in the best hyperbole of the night, presented the Air New Zealand Challenge as Telethon "going global, well global in New Zealand". The global part was Phil Keoghan being beamed in from LA. The challenge participants were treated to somewhat less exotic destinations: Invercargill, New Plymouth and Whangarei.

As with all telethons, however, the real fun came courtesy of all those grassroots performers who seldom get their chance to shine. We are a nation bursting with accomplished Samoan slap dancers, wildly wigged-out Irish dancers, barbershop brilliance and, a personal favourite, the shimmying sheilas of the Christchurch Chorus.

Forget those Idol-esque karaoke singers. New Zealand has loads of far more colourful and off-the-planet talent. Another 15 years is too long to wait.