Frances Grant: Mundane reality of married life

Never has there been a drier eye in the house than for the debut of the latest blunt attempt at plugging the schedules with a bit of cheap local reality telly. It's more exciting watching, well, nail polish dry than TV3's Hitched, an attempt to entertain us with couples' perfectly ho-hum wedding arrangements.

At least the American show Bridezillas has its over-the-top spoiled women with unbelievably extravagant plans for their few hours' chance to play princess. The tragic thing here is that Kiwi women might ditch the down-to-earth attitude that's rapidly becoming an undervalued part of the Kiwi charm and try to compete. Perhaps that's why next week's bride, gym bunny Charlene, was allowed to muscle in on this week's limelight.

Charlene looks to be more promising bridezilla material than this week's Amanda. She is a "Barbie doll on Duracell batteries", according to one acquaintance. Charlene doesn't like to be crossed and apparently thinks there's nothing wrong with a grown woman throwing a toddler-sized tanty.

The best Amanda could muster in the way of irritating habits that make you wonder how long after the honeymoon till she's throttled, was a nauseating line in baby talk about her cuddly bear of a husband. You also wonder whether she will give up language altogether and descend to mere cooings and gurglings once there's the patter of tiny feet in the house.

Thank goodness there was the mother-in-law to rain on the bride's parade. She's had eight years to adjust to her son's choice but still can't help singing an ironic "If you don't know her by now ... " to her number one boy about to walk down the aisle.

No wonder the poor boy appears confused, penning a poem to his bride called "Love is a four-letter word".

Or maybe the sarcasm was intended.

The groom certainly had an interesting way with words, describing his eight years of wooing as being "kept on the cold shelf". But the best man kept up tradition and had the best line. Asked what he thought of his future sister-in-law, he replied: "She's got a lot better now than when I knew her at the start".

The most dramatic tension the show could muster was when it looked like the caterers weren't going to turn up. No wonder the tempestuous Charlene is looking so impatient to have her go. Otherwise, the show confirmed, if any confirmation were needed, that cultures who like to decry the degeneracy of the West need look no further than the obnoxious tradition known as hen and stag parties.

Thank goodness for Country Calendar. What pleasant viewing it makes for those of us dodging aforementioned parties littering the city streets on a Saturday night.

Here is some telly about "real" people who would probably say they are perfectly ordinary, yet have something worthwhile, if not fascinating, to share about their lives. Last week's tale of the 8-year-old boy on his first muster on the Canterbury high country was a real charmer.

And thinking of Hitched, Saturday's instalment about a couple running a softer, gentler kind of riding school in Kerikeri was a world away from the stress and fake dramas of those tedious weddings. There was something hugely charismatic about the couple and their pupils, with their quiet determination to throw out the rule-book and get the best out of their horses using methods more in tune with the animals' natural behaviour. Pity most reality telly is so out of tune with ours.