Idea for the next dino-rampage film - Jurassic Kiwi

In my film it is New Zealand's quirky national bird that gets a DNA makeover. Photo / DoC

Off to see Jurassic World this weekend? Canvas columnist James Griffin pens his own NZ dino-rampage blockbuster.

The week sees the release of the mega-Hollywood tent-pole film Jurassic World: Did Those Damn Meddling Scientists Learn Nothing From The First Three Films? This iteration of the dino-rampage genre has Andy Dwyer (aka Starlord) from Guardians of Parks and Recreation in the role of the one guy who manages not to get eaten by running the fastest. And I am so there.

In fact, so excited am I that they have archaeologically dug up the dino-rampage film genre that I have entered into the spirit of things by coming up with my own idea for a New Zealand dino-rampage film, except without actual dinosaurs, because my film is called Jurassic Kiwi.

Jurassic Kiwi is set, initially at least, in the grounds of the Otorohanga Kiwi House and Native Bird Park. This wonderful place, easily in the top 10 tourist destinations in New Zealand, is normally a peaceful haven where one can wander New Zealand's largest dome aviary without fear of getting pecked to death by genetically modified kiwi. Because, yes, in my film it is New Zealand's quirky national bird that gets a DNA makeover, turning it into an unstoppable killing machine that somehow, ultimately, gets stopped.

Our story starts, as so many of these stories do, with good intentions. An employee at the Kiwi House, Murph, is a former genetic scientist with a troubled past, seeking refuge from his previous life and who just really likes New Zealand native wildlife. And because so many of the animals at the Otorohanga Kiwi House are examples of endangered species Murph can't help but use his genetic engineering skills, after hours, in an attempt to give our normally placid native wildlife the weapons to fight introduced predators.

Murph's most successful experiment to date has involved splicing together the genes of the North Island brown kiwi with those of the New Zealand falcon to create the beast that will become known as the velocikiwi. Unfortunately the first few example of this nocturnal ground-dwelling bird of prey he created had a lifespan of only minutes so he threw in some tuatara DNA, thus making it so the velocikiwi can live for 100 years and also giving me the tenuous link I needed to justify the word "Jurassic" in the title.

Of course, as is the way with these films, Murph's creations reveal their dark side early on and turn on their maker, pecking him to death in the nocturnal house, then dumping his body in the wetland exhibit to throw park management off the trail. At first the disaffected youth of Otorohanga are suspected, but we know differently. Eventually, inevitably, the Chris Pratt-like character of my story, who I will call Chris just so we're clear on things here, figures out the true culprits - just after the velocikiwis try to kill him.

Then, as is the way with these films, the velocikiwis go on a rampage around the Otorohanga Kiwi House, sending busloads of Japanese tourists fleeing for their lives. Eventually, inevitably, the velocikiwis breach the security of the Kiwi House and escape by running out through the gift shop.

As the outside world comes to learn of the terrifying developments in Otorohanga I will throw in my awesome plot twist by having the velocikiwis head south, at terrifying speed, and then disappear into the Waitomo caves. They do this because kiwis like the dark and also cave stuff is eerie and suspenseful and will give me an opportunity to build the tension as the army is mobilised and they surround the cave mouth. Eventually Chris, the only one who "gets" these frightening new creatures, leads a squad into the cave system, despite the fact he has no military training, experience or even links to the armed forces.

It is deep in the Waitomo caves that Chris discovers that the ravenous velocikiwis have eaten all the glow-worms. What is more, their already mixed-up DNA has now got mixed up with the DNA of the glow-worms so that instead of being brown, the velocikiwis glow in the dark and look really cool on film. What is even more, they seem to have mated prolifically in the few hours they have been underground so now there are heaps of them.

Eventually, as is the way of these films, the velocikiwis escape the cave, destroy the army and make their way to a major metropolitan centre - in this case, Hamilton. There, after a huge battle that destroys most of the city while at least one character (possible Sam Neill cameo) monologues about the dangers of tinkering with the building blocks of life, Chris leads the humans to victory.

Except for that one glowing creature, high in the hills above Huntly; the light that says "sequel".

- Canvas