Gwyneth Paltrow's website Goop is selling $15,000 gold vibrators - for the lady who has everything.
I'd love to report that after five days of Gooping (not a euphemism), I can appreciate it in a new light. But that would be a lie and we would all know it.
Five more Goop articles and I'm free to continue pretending it doesn't exist.
Let's not beat around the bush, here we go:
How to dry brush. I'd never heard of dry brushing until just now, but it's basically brushing your skin with a dry brush and I'm really not sure why it took Goop 800 words to say so.
What can I do to prevent ageing? What Goop says: wear heaps of sunblock. What reason says: Nothing. Unless you have a time-travelling DeLorean or a fountain of youth. Sorry.
Here's the next one: Brilliant pregnancy idea. I don't know why or what it says about my expectations of Goop but my honest-to-God first thought was that this would be an article about trapping a man into a relationship by getting pregnant.
Don't worry, it's not. It's some nonsense about a biscuit. True story.
Not-so-basic sex toys is, again, a shopping list. But if we've already had a jade vagina egg then we can have this, if for no other reason than the reference to "floppy rubber things you hide in your bedside table".
Also because prices range from $13 all the way up to $15,000. Who doesn't want a 24 carat gold vibrator?
How to understand Jesus. This of course assumes you believe in Jesus, God and all that fun stuff.
I don't, but I can at least get behind the concept of this article; that your religion and how you practice it doesn't matter. It's not about going to church and following a set of rules, it's about being a good person, not being judgemental, being tolerant and compassionate and helping others.
And that, I think, is about as high a note as we could ever have hoped to leave on.
So marks the end of the first week of our new series "I Dare You".
It's been five days of Gwyneth Paltrow-inflicted hell for me, but in saying that, I can see how and why Goop may appeal to a certain kind of person. I'm just really, really not that kind of person.
It's been real, Gwyn. But now I need a Goop detox, stat.
Goop took its toll on me yesterday, I won't lie. So - and maybe it's all this talk of detoxing - today I've decided to go in on a more positive note. Or at least try.
I have kindly not gone into detail re: articles about detoxing your kitchen and pantry (because it's not an article, it's a shopping list) and the healing power of flowers (because it's not using the medicinal properties of plants, but using flower essences to cure ailments like "anger" or "a broken heart").
You're welcome. Moving on.
Basically the only part of Goop I'm not mad at is its arts and entertainment section where things actually seem to be normal.
That said, it's still aimed [stereotypically so] at women. A list of What to Stream Now includes mostly female driven dramas...oh, and Chef's Table.
Elsewhere; how to survive family gatherings. In amongst airy-fairy concepts like "active love", "visualising energy" and "inner authority" there is at least one good tip; take a bathroom break when you feel your will to live slipping away.
Everyone might think you have diarrhoea if things get to be too much, too often, but worth it for a breather.
Finally, The Medical Medium. I'm not going to lie. I didn't read it.
I couldn't make it past the intro about a "self-titled medical medium" who hears a voice in his ear and has visions, one of which compelled him to diagnose his grandmother with lung cancer when he was four.
Medical advice from a man who hear's a voice in his ear so often he's named it Spirit? No thanks.
Sorry. I tried being nice, I swear. Only one more day of Goop-ing. (Not a euphemism).
Captain's log. Day 3.
I'm beginning to get tired. I don't know how long I can keep this up. If you're reading this, please send help. I feel like I'm losing brain cells by the day.
SOS. I repeat, SOS. This is not a drill.
How to wear colour - JUST PUT IT ON. You're wearing it. Congratulations, you're a fashion miracle.
Why millennials can't just grow up - A list of very real reasons millennials are stressed/anxious/depressed. The solution? Spend less time working, less time with people, cut down on alcohol, coffee, video games, porn, internet etc.
Basically, give up all the things that make you happy and provide you a release (and you know, your income) and that should fix everything.
1200 words on what astrology can teach us about 2016/2017 - this could actually be informative, I don't know. I checked out when my immature and over-tired mind couldn't cope with the "danger of Uranus" being "unleashed".
Teaching your children to "live authentic lives". So when you're having an awful day and they say, "are you ok?" You're supposed to say no, explain what you're feeling and that you're working through it.
Your kid will understand this, and not say "But why?" repetitively, I promise.
But look. I mostly wanted to focus on the jade vagina egg I mentioned yesterday because: WHAT?
It's supposed to do wonders for libido, orgasm, sorting your cycle out, "intensifying feminine energy" and "invigorating life force". And I directly quote: "Who doesn't want their muscles more toned?
I mean. Mate. If I had a dollar for every time I thought, "Gee, I wish my vaginal muscles were more toned"...
I'm not going to lie, part of me was looking forward to digging deeper into Goop just to see what fresh nonsense might pop up on my screen.
Particularly after Gwyneth Paltrow made headlines for trying to get women to put these $75-90 jade eggs in our vaginas.
So with that horribly and irreparably burned into my brain forever, I took a dive into Day 2 of our "I Dare You" challenge and Gwyneth did not disappoint.
First up: "How to take a good food photo on your phone" and "Ask Jean: Do I need to detox my shower?".
Detox your shower? Sorry, what? Also, don't think no one noticed this article was just a clever ploy to plug a product you can - surprise, surprise - buy from the Goop store.
"How to declutter your home" - Basically: throw out your old stuff and keep the rest of your stuff tidy or stored away.
"How to Read Coworkers" - Sadly it's not "reading" in the drag-culture sense.
It's more just a piece about how everyone in your office is out to get you or will drag you down. With special mention of that co-worker who "can at times suffer from bouts of depression - this can be agonising and exhausting for anyone dealing with them".
Reign your mental health issues in everyone, they're inconveniencing team Goop.
To be fair though, they did have some fairly comprehensive travel guides (though they're presumably for those not travelling on a budget) and this Q&A with journalist and author Gayle Tzemach Lemmon about the situation in Syria and how we can help.
I just don't know if it's enough to make me unsee that article about detoxing the shower.
From what I've seen and heard about Goop, it's full of holier-than-thou, faux-scientific tips and tricks on health, beauty and happiness which, if you want to follow them, seem to require you to have fame, money, friends in high places and/or the ability to suspend disbelief at the drop of a hat.
So when my esteemed colleague (see: terrible, sadistic colleague) dared me to read five Goop "articles" a day (yes, FIVE A DAY), my response was: "You're going to hell". Here we go ...
The first article I read is "Five outfits you can wear outside of the gym". Hint: The correct answer is "literally any outfit ever".
Then, "The insidious yeast infection we all [apparently] have." It's just a Q&A about candida. Isn't this what WebMD is for?
"The body-whisperer's fat-flushing workout" - I can't. I can't do it. For so many reasons. "Body whisperer"? Give me a break.
It does include a "health bounce" which sadly, did not turn out to be a euphemism.
My favourite was a nearly 2000-word Q&A about "energetic detoxing", in which you set some energy-clearing herbs on fire and wave them about.
Here's why I enjoyed it:
• There's an instruction to wear black whilst you cleanse energy. Not because of bad mojo or channelling Stevie Nicks, but so you don't get dirty.
• At the end, there's a link to the Goop store where you can shop for the energy-detoxing kit for US$195. Because Gwyneth Paltrow.
Yep. It's gonna be a week.
The host has been spotted across the Atlantic post-election.