REVIEW:
Warning: Spoilers ahead for episode one and two
Heartbreak Island is back. It's hot, it's on a tropical island I could only hope to be on, someone is going to win $100,000 and I've already got a question:
Will Clint Randall host the show in a speedo?
The answer seems obvious. I mean, we are talking about the man who - without hesitation -wore a speedo on The Masked Singer last year even though no one asked him to and now he's on a tropical island? Please, I'd put money on this one.
While we're here to see a group of 16 lovelorn singles make terrible matches and have their heartbreak played out on national television, the first shock comes when Warner Bros. Discovery's favourite reality show host appears with not only pants on but also his shirt buttoned up.
Better luck [in the wardrobe department] next time, Clint.
We start the show with a sneak peek of all the drama to come this season, including someone being called a snake, steamy hookups and LOTS of tension.
Now, as someone who has lived in ignorant bliss of Heartbreak Island until today, my first impression is it's a mix of Celebrity Treasure Island and Love Island and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Regardless, I watch as the women are lined up to face the men, and before we get any awkward moments, it's onto selection - which oddly sounds a little bit like Hunger Games but it's worse because it's actually more like in-person Tinder.
After votes are cast by contestants based on everyone's profiles, Captain America, aka. Chris is revealed as the most popular guy. With his unneeded confidence boost, he pairs up with the most popular girl, Tiarne, duh. Together they look like Barbie and Ken.
Next up is Manaaki, a Kiwi lad studying in Dunedin. Will he use the winning money to buy unlimited couches to burn on Castle St? Only time will tell. He couples up with Milly because they both have tattoos, they're both hot and they're both from New Zealand.
At least we all saw that one coming.
The matches that follow fly under my radar and aren't really worth mentioning. That is until we get to Jake and Amber.
It's nothing but red flags ahead for these two. I know this because Amber called Jake a "d**khead" after knowing him for all of five minutes.
But they're not the most dramatic couple we meet: Alexandra – a self-professed "bombshell" and Max – a drama-loving London footballer, butt heads on the first night.
Max immediately tells the confession cam of his pairing with Alexandra: "The first thing that went through my mind was disappointment." If it's not already obvious, ladies and gentlemen, this is why Max is single.
Things fire up when the Islanders play a game which sees Max kiss the girl he is most attracted to: hello, Kacey.
Alexandra retaliates and immediately looks to take someone else down with her.
She pulls Barbie – sorry, Tiarne, aside for a chat and tells her Max was surprised Chris is with a "girl like Tiarne" and no it wasn't like a wow how did he score Tiarne moment but more like a wow, poor lad he's stuck with Tiarne moment.
Yeah, yikes.
Cue a MAFS-dinner-party-style fight where Tiarne yells at Max and Max yells at Alexandra - who calls him a snake. Too much, too soon? Not on Heartbreak Island. We fast forward to the next episode where Alexandra decides to leave the show.
It's wild, I know. No one saw it coming, not even the producers, because they literally glazed over the entire situation as if it didn't even happen. I was left wondering if broadcasting standards wouldn't let them show us the entire fight because we were definitely missing a few screaming matches.
But that wasn't the only drama of the episode. Of course the 12 other contestants weren't just left to get to know each other in a convivial, unprovoked setting.
Like a game of chess, but much less sophisticated, here's a quick play-by-play of the movements and melodramas so far.
Postman Pat – sorry, postman Kieran and his partner, Cook Island dancer Maiata, are at each other's throats while Kacey - of Max makeout fame - splits with her original match, Mez.
Kissy Kacey goes on to start a fresh - and likely brief - romance with Manaaki, leaving his partner Milly adrift.
After a - you guessed it - brief match with Mez, who describes poor Milly as the woman scorned, she takes matters into her own hands.
Making a sneaky link with Melbourne plumber Bailey, Milly's move sees the Aussie's partner Holly wondering where to go and what to do.
And because this is Heartbreak Island and not Love Island, we're not done with the devastation just yet.
Enter Shamar and Ash: a couple heading towards pound town with all their sexual tension until Jake strolls in and pulled the moves on Ash.
I know what you're thinking: they were so good together! I thought the same until Shamar pulled Ash aside to talk about her steamy rendezvous with Jake and told her, "You're mine, I don't like that sh**."
So now I'm team Jake because that's a huge red flag. Run, Ash.
Finally, Clint turns up again to tell the Islanders it's time for another round of in real life Tinder - it's equally horrifying as it is intriguing.
At this point we find a single Max picking a new girl to bring onto the island. A tall blonde named Ariana is his choice. And she's an instant hit with Mez.
Max though? Not so much: "Ariana did look quite different from the photos, so I was a bit gutted."
I reiterate, this is why Max is single.
Meanwhile, some couples do stick together, for the moment at least: Kacey and Manaaki, Barbie and Ken aka, Tiarne and Chris, the walking red flag, Shamar, and Ash. I was surprised about this one - but not as surprised as Jake who strayed from Amber for Ash only to end up back with Amber.
Fate can be so cruel.
Milly and Bailey couple up, while Holly and Max decide to give it a go - which leaves Mez grinning from ear to ear because he can now couple with newbie, Ariana.
In true reality show manner, we end the episode with a bang and Kieran and Maiata - at each other's throats earlier - have no other option but to stay together.
There are tears, accusations and somehow Jake ends up getting blamed for it?
That's a wrap for episodes one and two and I, for one, am as intrigued as I am confused.
Heartbreak Island drops two episodes every Thursday on ThreeNow
A new documentary fronted by Herald journalist Jared Savage goes into the dark world of child sex abuse material with the Customs investigations team. Video / Greenstone TV