KEY POINTS:
My local supermarket sells these crappy made-in-China dog toys that squeak when you prod the rubber face in. Not so surprisingly, with election time round the corner, they come in the parochial form of our local political leaders and commentators: Helen Clark, John Key, Mark Sainsbury and John Campbell (though it was only announced yesterday that TV3 will have a leaders debate, so perhaps the latter was more a case of wishful thinking, or maybe greedy corporate money-making on behalf of the Australian-owned manufacturer).
The "Make 'Em Squeal" (geddit?) collector series for dogs are flying out the shelf of my local supermarket. Shoppers are snapping them up, apparently. But not all of them, it seems. I spotted Clark and Key toys still languishing on the shelf's hanging rack, seemingly begging shoppers to pick them, even if they weren't going to part with a vote.
Sainsbury and Campbell by contrast, are exceedingly popular - well, their rubber caricatures, I mean. The spotty youth stacking the cans of dog food quietly gushed, after some gentle prodding, "Oh yeah, I have to put more John Campbell and Sainsbury toys out every day."
Perhaps it's the Bismarkian 'tashe or the honker snout the Sainsbury caricature bears; or maybe the floppy Dumbo ears the rubber Campbell brandishes. Or perhaps, with a few weeks 'til D-Day, shoppers are looking for light-hearted relief in this global doom and gloom. Whatever it is, with 40 dollars to waste, I bought all four, figuring Sebastian my over-indulged pooch, would find some amusement while toiling away the hours in his basket, but he hasn't so much as sniffed, chewed or peed on Hels, Key, Campbell or The Walrus.
The Clark dog chewy wears the colour red like a commie in an Amsterdam brothel - blatantly. By contrast, the prime minister's image in her electioneering ads put her in sweet and innocent white, like The Virgin Queen. What gives? Is this symbolic? Are we expected to believe a politician who's been round the election block on several occasions, and loitered with intent in Parliament in bringing Labour back for another term, has transmogrified into the girl-next-door? I prefer Clark as the Rottweiler in rouge.
Truth be told, this election is seriously deprived of hot candidates. One has to dig very deep to find the poster girls and boys.
National boasts feisty blonde Nikki Kaye who is giving Judith Tizard a real run for her money in Auckland Central. Then there's 32-year-old Simon Bridges in Tauranga who's not only got the crown prosecutor credentials and good looks but his beautiful wife Natalie is also a star (taking over the editorship of Simply You). Looking set to take the seat of Maungakiekie off Labour is Sam Lotu-Iiga. Now this man is a serious talent: Cambridge-educated, a Samoan chief, an Auckland City councillor, and a former Barbarian rugby player to boot.
On the other side, Labour's only real hot candidate is 27-year-old Kate Sutton who's standing against Rodney Hide in Epsom. Copying 'Kevin 07', she's selling 'Kate 08' T-shirts for $50 no less - a lot more expensive than the $15 National Party T-shirts (who's the capitalist and socialist here?). On the male side for Labour, Stuart Nash would have to take the hottie title. He's in a winnable list spot - no doubt helped by the fact that he's former Labour PM Walter Nash's great-grandson.
I can see why the Greens have gone for pictures of scenery and children for their hoardings. It's because their candidates are not the prettiest. However they do have one beautiful supporter in the form of Katya Paquin, (Anna's big sis) who is partner to Green co-leader Russel Norman.
Act's seriously short of eye candy, however I suspect the new-look Rodney with the $20,000 smile would disagree. At number two on Act's list is super-mum Heather Roy who's pretty hot in a housewife way, but this time they are missing sometime-model Helen Simpson. Last election the willowy blonde stood in Auckland Central and had Uni students' gobsmacked when she won a jug skulling competition out on the campaign trail.
Act's Roger Douglas is a bit of crumpet for the fiscal thinking 70-year-old woman, while Winston Peters still excites those lilac-rinse ladies pushing 100 who loved Rob Muldoon's "blue eyes and cheeky grin".
As for the two main leaders I have to say they have upped the attractive anti. Helen looks pretty in white and her make-up and hair have had a shjushy lift; while boy next-door John's looking very dapper in those tailored suits. But let's face it, it's Bronagh Key who's the true winner in the hottie stakes. The woman has morphed into the Carla Bruni of the Kiwi elections - bar the acoustic guitar and the penchant for nudity. She's the Nats' secret weapon, and now we know John does most of the cooking at home (as well as running the Opposition Party) she's the poster girl for the new young feminists who embrace womanhood without the traditional shackles in the kitchen. Bronagh the Babe will be the Key (terrible pun).
Aqualine Party
Richard Sigley and The Nourish Group recently hosted the annual Aqualine Party at their popular nightspots; Pasha bar, The Green Room and Euro restaurant. Click here for photos by Norrie Montgomery.
Rachel Glucina
Pictured above: A 10 week old Maltese x Shih Tzu puppy considers putting the bite on Helen Clark. Photo / John Borren
