Gladiator II review: Leave history in the history books and just enjoy gladiators fighting sharks

Karl Puschmann thanks the gods for the wild historical inaccuracies of the long-awaited sequel.

There’s been a lot of chatter about Gladiator II’s historical inaccuracies and how this is a bad thing. You won’t hear that sort of nonsense from me. I think the film’s joyful disregard for facts is a good thing and Gladiator II is a better film for it.

When I go to the cinema, I don’t want a history lesson. I’m not thinking about how there’s no way the ancient Romans could have let a few bloodthirsty sharks loose into the flooded Colosseum pit to dangerously enhance a naval battle between two gladiator teams. No. All, I’m thinking is, “Am I not entertained?”

At that moment at least, I was very much entertained by the sharks zipping around the Colosseum chomping their way through any gladiators unlucky to plunge – or be plunged – into the increasingly bloodied water. How could you not be?

As a director, Ridley Scott prizes the “rule of cool” above all else. Historical accuracy be damned. Gladiators fighting frenzied sharks is cool. Terrifyingly aggro monkeys attacking gladiators is cool. A gladiator riding a rhino and charging his enemies is cool. I don’t care that none of this actually happened. They’re the coolest parts of the movie. Be gone with your history books, nerds!

Paul Mescal and Pedro Pascal battle it out in Gladiator II. Photo / Paramount Pictures

Now, I realise this might all sound a bit stupid. Fair enough. But I’m not the one looking to a Hollywood blockbuster to learn all about ancient Roman culture.

Anyway, the important bit is that none of Gladiator II’s historical inaccuracies get in the way of a good story. That’s because Gladiator II doesn’t have a particularly good story to get in the way of.

The movie follows a gladiator slave who needs to fight his way to freedom and becomes a Spartacus-like figure along the way. This will sound very familiar to those who have seen its predecessor, the Russell Crowe-starring, Oscar-winning 2000 movie Gladiator.

The way the second film ties into the first is massively, ludicrously improbable. But before you can think about it too carefully, Denzel Washington has sashayed on the screen to distract you with his cheerfully devious flamboyance and our gladiator hero is being attacked by the aforementioned pack of rabid monkeys.

Denzel Washington in Gladiator II. Photo / Paramount Pictures

Scott pulls this trick constantly throughout the film. This is mostly out of necessity, because the story bits of Gladiator II tend to linger and drag. And that’s even with Washington and the twin baddie emperors hamming it up more than a busy abattoir. Fortunately, it’s not too long before someone’s being decorated with arrows or having their head lopped off.

Was I not entertained? Some of the time I was. But when I wasn’t, it was not because its characters were sitting in a cafe, drinking coffee and reading the morning paper and all of those things had not been invented yet. It was because the film had slowed to an overblown crawl to take its very silly plot entirely too seriously. One minute a rhino is comically bashing horn-first into a wall – the next a family drama is playing out, a melodrama worthy of Shortland Street.

The story and drama of Gladiator II may be fairly dull, but its superb action, visual spectacle and outlandish historical inaccuracy are where the film truly shines.

Gladiator II is in cinemas now.

Karl Puschmann is an entertainment columnist for the Herald. His fascination lies in finding out what drives and inspires creative people.