Forward Thinking: Only here for the Bear

Bear Grylls poses for a photo following a press conference in Auckland. Photo / NZPA

The Discovery Channel's wonderboy of survivor shows, Bear Grylls, has been in New Zealand doing what he does best - eating stuff that really shouldn't be on anything's foodchain - in the Southern Alps.

TimeOut obtained a copy of the Man Vs Wild star's diary for the New Zealand episode.

Obviously a few changes will be made once the show is edited and broadcast, rendering all of this, well, fiction. But here's how TV's most derring-doer coped in our great outdoors ...

Day 1: Fly into Timaru before heading to the mountains. Kiwis are a funny bunch. Every time I introduce myself they hand me a lager and a sausage in a piece of white bread and ask me if I'm here early for the Rugby World Cup and would I like to rent a house for 25 grand a week. Okay, 20 grand if the longdrop is a problem. Not to me old chap, I've jumped out of planes near the edge of space. Your latest bungy-jumping variation won't pose any problems to the likes of me!

Day 2: Helicopter onto a glacier. Hungry already. Told there are very few wild mammals in these parts. Before taking off pilot warns me to watch out for the Didymo. I sharpen my all-purpose SAS-issue survival knife (complete with MP3 player available from the Discovery Channel online store) just in case. Sounds delicious. I explore ice caves, carefully explaining to viewers when ice melts, that is a good source of water. Crew nod in agreement, good lads! That's a wrap!

Day 3: Still no sign of anything dead or wild to eat yet. Crew mention their rental van has been attacked by what looked like a group of mad parrots in camo gear. This is war. And possibly lunch. Spend afternoon creeping through tussock. No luck tracking down commando birds. Spend the night in the wild in local traditional makeshift accommodation - "the DoC hut". I am not alone or the most experienced. According to their clothing, everyone here appears to have been to Kathmandu! Bloody hell. Signs on the hut warn about Didymo. Apparently, if you keep your boots clean they won't attack you. So noted.

Day 4: Famished. Find some mysterious tracks. Didymo at last! No, Thar says Colin, our DoC liaison officer along for the day. No thanks yourself, Colin I quip as the crew laugh. Good lads! Later I quiz Colin about what the Didymo feeds on. "Mountain oysters and Speight's, mate," he says dryly. So noted.

Day 5: Final day of shoot. Just as I am cooking up a feed of Thar - dead for a week on a skifield access road but still tasting pretty good, though more like chicken than goat - we are interrupted twice. Firstly by hoards of chaps and lasses doing something called the "Coast to Coast" without so much as a film crew between them. And then a procession of dwarves and a hobbit. Thar anyone? No thanks, our catering truck is just down the hill they say. Good lads, if a little short!

Day 10: After a few days of R&R in Queenstown - I did the longdrop! Extreme! Bit whiffy though! - attend press conference in Auckland. Room falls into giggles when I mentioned my unfinished business with the Didymo. Afterwards, Colin from DoC wants to have a quiet word. Something about being over my mountain oyster limit...

- TimeOut