Forward Thinking: Not so living doll

Justin Bieber doll. Photo / Supplied

I dashed to The Civic with 10 minutes to spare before reviewing an elderly choir on Monday night.

Tickets, check. Notepad, check. Phones off, check, check.

Then I remembered Justin Bieber.

I dashed back to the office to get him, and we got to our seats in the nick of time.

"Don't let that happen again," I said, when I caught my breath. Then I reminded him to switch off his sound.

Let me introduce you to my model boyfriend.

Bieber, or Biebs as I call him, arrived a few hours before the show. I ecstatically snipped him from his plastic shackles - my "he's very well packaged" and other such inappropriate comments meeting groans from others in my open-plan office.

"Oh how fitting, he sings One Less Lonely Girl," I noted, then pressed his belly to listen to his sweet serenade.

It was decided that Biebs would be my plus-one for the week. I'd never had an international heart-throb at my side before.

To my Facebook friends' delight, I listed myself as "in a relationship". But that got me in quite a pickle because the cyber Justin Bieber was not in my friends list so I could not use "with Justin Bieber" to qualify the statement (in hindsight I guess this is a good thing as I suppose popstars don't want any random girl to post such lies which might be believed by a member of the media or something). Anyway, to quash any rumours, I swiftly changed my relationship status back.

I think Biebs was a little offended.

He is a very quiet, happy-looking boyfriend (for he could never be called a man-friend: look at him, he looks younger than me) who sits atop a CD stack on my desk, with a guitar slung around his neck, pointing a microphone.

To remind me of how lucky I am to have him as an object of affection, he sings me One Less Lonely Girl when I hold him around his waist. He dresses very comfortably in high-tops, jeans and a hoodie. And yes, he seems anatomically correct, though I'm concerned by the briefness of his briefs. Moving on.

The lady in the sushi shop said he was "cute". He replied with another rendition of One Less Lonely Girl, to which she clapped. Such a charmer.

Later, when we felt more comfortable with one another, he held the chopstick like a pool cue. I think it was more attractive than him holding the microphone, which looks a bit wussy to be honest.

The show at The Civic was a successful date because it was called Young @ Heart and, well, Biebs clearly is. I think he has been a little freaked out about the prospect of ageing lately as everyone is saying his career will be over, but after watching 80-year-olds rock out to the Ramones he has realised there are opportunities beyond puberty (and hopefully been encouraged to roughen up his look a little ... I'm working on it). Later, after he had patiently watched me file my review, he accompanied me to the tail-end of my girlfriends' Christmas party. We had a drink. I told Biebs that even though he was underage it was okay as we were among friends and pictures of him swilling wine would not make it on to the internet.

But I turned my back on him for a minute, and, I'm ashamed to say, they did. As did pictures of him in a toy car and in various costumes that compromised his dignity. I felt terrible about him being the victim of Christmas party debauchery until I noticed him with his arm around another girl. Then I realised he uses the fact his head can turn 360° as an excuse for having a wandering eye.

For a guy who doesn't say a lot (actually I'm starting to suspect he only knows four words) he's getting a bit exhausting.

I know I haven't given it much of a chance, but I'm starting to question whether Biebs is really my type. And I know this is really picky but it annoys me that his eyes are too generously spaced. And that he has to stand with his feet in a ballet plie to balance himself.

Actually ... who am I kidding? I would rather be lonely than hear One Less Lonely Girl ever again.

-TimeOut