As TV3 hurtles towards 30 it appears to have entered into a full-blown mid-life crisis. The channel has actively and aggressively rejected boringly safe middle-age favourites, like news and current affairs, in favour of edgy, sexy fare as it desperately attempts to be down with the kids.
It wants tobe hip. It wants to be cool. Most of all, it wants to be watched. It's cringingly apparent it has no idea how to be any of these things.
The channel is still reeling from its appalling decision to let the Aussie soap Home & Away slip out of its grasp a while back. A disastrous move it has never recovered from.
Ray Meagher as Alf Stewart on Home & Away.
Their latest ploy to claw back viewers from Home & Away is to make a local version of Home & Away and then screen it at the same time as Home & Away.
But, just for fun, let's hypothetically pretend that it wasn't in fact genius and was instead utterly boneheaded.
What else could TV3 produce for the prestigious and highly contested 5:30pm slot? Let's take a look.
5. Russell Rooster Returns
Yep, the time is right to reboot the rooster. Russell was the first real star of the fledging young channel so has a built in audience hanging out for his return to the small screen. Nostalgia is so hot right now and the recent success of The Muppets shows people still love good puppet. Don't forget to reboot his wholesome, sexy sidekick Suzy Cato while you're at it and you've got a ratings winner on your hands.
Doodle-muthaflippin'-doo, beeches.
4. Henry's House
TV3 should be flaunting Paul Henry.
Local hero Paul Henry is woefully under-used by the station. The perpetual crowd favourite only appears on air for a couple of hours each morning. It's wasteful. It's like owning a really nice bottle of Terra Sancta Estate Pinot Noir and only ever drinking it first thing in the morning. Why wouldn't you also drink it at 5.30pm? That's right, you would! It just makes sense.
You know the old saying; "If you've got it, flaunt it". TV3 should be flaunting the shiz out of Henry.
If I was in charge, I'd just Truman Show him. All Henry, all the time. But it's probably best to ease the audience into that. Mornings and evenings, however, are a good start towards reaching this ultimate end goal.
Another reboot? Hells yeah, sucka. Hollywood is rebooting every last stinking old film they got and ain't no one complaining about that.
Besides, everyone knows soaps take years and years to build up a loyal audience. Ain't nobody got time for that. Least of all TV3.
Sitcoms however ... that's where the real money's at.
Simply whack Urzila Carlson into the title role, whack Dai Henwood in as the catchphrase-spouting wacky neighbour Neville (who can forget, "ya decent?" LOL!) and then kick back and let the LOLs and the viewers roll in.
2. Road Cops
Well, it worked pretty darn good the last time.
1. Wining with the Weldons
TV3 management visionary and wine producer/connoisseur, Mark Wheldon.
A reality show following TV3 management visionary and wine connoisseur Mark Weldon.
The show would be produced by TV3 board member Julie Christie's production company and would chart the trials and tribulations that Weldon faces, juggling revolutionising television with producing world class wine at his Terra Sancta vineyard.
Of course the show wouldn't be any good. But at the very least it would get Weldon and Christie out of the office for a bit, therefore leaving everyone else at TV3 free to get on with doing their jobs properly and protecting the station from the pair's borderline insane "vision". Win win!
