Jazz Thornton has won DWTS 2022. Photo / Supplied
OPINION:
As our grand finale is finally upon us, it feels a bit like Vitamin C's "Graduation" should be playing as our final celebrities get ready to tackle the world outside of Dancing With the Stars College.
So I thought it only appropriate to don my academic gown and give a commencement speech for our grads.
It's been a season of trials, Covid sized tribulations, elbows to the face and 67 dance-offs for literally only one duo.
But despite all these hurdles, we see our grads walk away stronger, smoother and ready to declare their intention: "I know I will keep on dancing" and then absolutely not keep on dancing.
Congratulations to Brodie Kane for her degree in physiology, learning to form connection with her lower and upper body like a pro. Dancer partner Enrique Johns also earned himself his PHD for his Pretty Hot Dances.
Alex Vaz walks away with a bachelor of business majoring in economics, as when his shirt is in short supply, he's in hot demand. Va-va-Vaz also walks away voted "most resilient" by his class, after a season more testing than a PCR. Seriously whoever is controlling this beautiful man's Voodoo doll, please give him a break.
Next up, David Letele has worked tirelessly for his masters in philanthropic studies. And unlike the last David on this show, Letele was awarded "most likely to be Prime Minister" by his peers.
Jazz Thornton has earned a bachelor of social sciences for her commitment to the mental health sector. Thornton was also crowned Prom Queen during her time at DWTS college, despite there only being room for one Queen on this show – Elektra Shock.
And now that we are done with the formalities of the evening, let's crack on and reveal a result more shocking than the fact that the DWTS publicists still pick up my calls.
While Covid narrowly, and I mean VERY narrowly, escaped our final four celebrities, the judges weren't so lucky. Tonight, head judge Camilla Sacre-Dallerup was struck down and replaced by the very likeable Strictly Come Dancing champ, Karen Hardy.
Letele’s up first revealing he initially didn’t feel he fit in on the DWTS stage, despite having the love of the public and partner Kristie Williams. Sporting a bedazzled Butter Bean Motivation top, Letele owned the stage and personified joy. What a man, what a journey.
The scores are loose tonight, but that's okay because tonight the judge's votes don't mean anything. Cue the PTSD from weeks one and two when the same rules applied.
Vaz and Brittany Coleman are up next and the theme was ... bondage? It was steamy and blindingly obvious that the costume department also got hit by Covid because Vaz only had enough elastic to cover one nip. The dance was powerful, the judges and audience were thirsty and Coleman was proud as punch. Team Braz.
Thornton and Brad Coleman (Brittany's brother, not husband) hit the floor with my favourite performance from the duo yet. She had the Dirty Dancing moment of our dreams and Coleman stunned with his skillset - this man is next level. The judges lapped it up with three 10s and the trophy was practically in their hands. Savali shocked us all with his first 10 of the season - that man holds his 10's tighter than Leonardo DiCaprio.
Our final show dance was Kane and Johns and the broadcaster finally got her Proud Mary moment. It was epic and the duo gave it absolute "hundids". There was fancy footwork, Nereida Cortez and Phoebe Robb were there - it was like Vegas on steroids and we were absolutely here for it.
Then came the moment when we would learn who made our final two, and who would be sent home. It's my birthday (quite literally) so I'll cry if I want to and I did when my two favourite guys Vaz and Letele were cast off.
In fourth place, despite working tirelessly, bouncing back from all of the dance-offs and surviving saying someone other than me was his favourite, Vaz was eliminated. Vaz really gave this show his all and gave us all his abdomen.
And in third place Letele did himself, his community and his family so proud. We loved watching every minute of his journey and mostly we loved watching the joy this experience gave him.
That meant it was down to Thornton and Kane to battle it out with one final epic performance and both gave it their all. Kane and a sexy smooch with partner Johns stole the show and the judges gave it three perfect 10s - but there was no guarantee Thornton's 1.8 million TikTok fans would agree. Youths!
The public vote was finally in and the runner-up of DWTS was the formidable Kane and partner Johns. We were rooting for them right until the end, but Gen-Z was having none of it.
Which meant Jazz Thornton and Brad Coleman were the winners of DWTS 2022. Coleman was emotional and Thornton was ecstatic. It was a lovely moment to end a genuinely lovely season.
And this season of DWTS came into our lives at a time we needed a bit of escapism most and it delivered that in bucketloads. So bravo to them, bravo to the charities and bravo to the 7,560 RATs that kept this show afloat.
WINNER: Jazz Thornton and Brad Coleman: 30/30 and 29/30 in the second dance
Runner-up: Brodie Kane and Enrique Johns: 29/30 and 30 in the second dance
3rd: David Letele and Kristie Williams: 26/30
4th: Alex Vaz and Brittany Coleman: 26/30
Times: Thanks to a freak moment, this 'one-hit wonder' has a new generation of fans.