KEY POINTS:
It's been a gloomy week for All Black fans. Who better to help us than those foxy ladies from Fountain Lakes, Kath and Kim (aka Jane Turner and Gina Riley). They spoke to Jane Phare about the All Blacks - and how we can recover.
Herald on Sunday: Kath and Kim, we need your help as a nation here. We were expecting to win the World Cup so it's all pretty depressing. What would you advise us to do to cheer ourselves up?
Kath: Look guys, if the whole of New Zealand had a collectively spa bath with some tea lights, you know crack open some Fleur de Lis bubbly or you probably have some beautiful bubbly from down your Malbro area, crack open your bubbly, put on the spa, everyone get in and give themselves a bit of a pamper package. Go high maintenance Nu Zealand, why not?
Kim: I think the whole of New Zealand should get a spray-on fantasy tan, that's what I'd do. And some eyelash implants.
Kath: And you've got some nice restaurants. Have you got a King Lee or Nong's there? If you all went out and had a bit of Chinese, Vietnamese. That often makes for a nice night out. Drown your sorrows in a bottle of Baileys. Don't get too legless but, you know, celebrate the fact that you can do better next year.
HoS: Do you think we just need to toughen up and move on? Get over it?
Kath: I think so. I think if you went inside yourselves, you know, outside, and just examine things and then move on and say 'all right well we've got a lot of other good things going for us here in Nu Zeland and'...
Kim (interrupting): There's only going to be one page of your newspaper though because it's usually all All Blacks. God knows, there's nothing else happening in the world, that's the thing.
HoS: A lot of Kiwis reckon the ref was no good and that's why we lost the game. Kel's had a bit of experiencing with ref-ing (netball) hasn't he? Do you think he would have a crack at ref-ing a rugby game?
Kath: You know what he loves is the shortie shorts and the little tops. What do your rugby refs wear? Do they wear nice white shorts and a white top? That's what Kel loves. And he loves the whistle.
Kim: And do they run backwards? He likes that.
Kath: Long white socks and a whistle. It's more the uniform but he does have some of the good moves and he could probably bone up on the rugby rules. I'm sure he'd love a trip over to NZ and do a bit of ref-ing for you.
HoS: Well you know those hunk o' spunks Brett and Kel, if they'd played (with the All Blacks) last Sunday do you think they might have put the French off their game?
Kath: Oh look, yeah, Brett's a bit of a Sporty Spice and if they saw Kel's hairdo and his gray zip-up shoes I think those French would have been just green with envy and totally in awe. So I think maybe that's the trick, to get some of Kel's fashion sense on the field, get some of those rugby hunks into a comb-over like Kel's and some grey zip-up shoes.
HoS: The All Blacks will be looking for some new blood. Do you reckon either of them would make a good hooker?
Kath: Oh well I am, I know myself.
HoS: Kim, what about Brett?
Kim: Oh no, I don't think so, no takers. But Sharon could.
Kath: She's got the neck for it.
Kim: She's a strong girl.
Kath: Get her in a bit of a scrum and look out. She's got haunches in her neck so she'd be fine.
HoS: The All Blacks had to play in a nasty grey uniform rather than their sexy black one. How important are the clothes that you wear as to how you feel about yourself?
Kath: Oh absolutely...
Kim: It's everything
Kath: Penultimate to your feelings of exurberance because if you haven't got the right cossie on... I like a team with a scene. For example I went to see Harry Potter and I put on a wizard's hat.
Kim: The people who were sitting behind her were furious.
Kath: I wasn't going to take it off though. I was in the zone. So wearing grey, depressing colour, they didn't feel themselves in their bodies so they didn't play as well. I think they should complain and say they want a rematch in their black uniforms.
HoS: Do you think the All Blacks need a cheerleading team? Would you ladies consider getting a team together with Sharon?
Kim: I was a cheer-leader for a while there so I could come over and teach the girls some of my moves.
HoS: Kim, at what age would you let Epponnee Rae be a cheerleader?
Kim: Oh she's already going to classes now. She's nearly one. She's also doing some pole dancing. It's a big thing in Australia at the moment, pole dancing for kids, which I think is so nice.
HoS: What's her cheerleading uniform like?
Kim: Well you know, a little shortie skirt where you can just see the nappy popping out from below. It's pretty.
HoS: And she's enjoying that?
Kim: No... but I am.
HoS: Epponnee Rae's about to turn one. Are you planning a big party Kim?
Kim: Oh yes absolutely, all stops out because, you know, she's a popular at creche. She needs a huge (pronounced yuge) party.
Kath: And you've got to go big now because it's really competitive so Kim is looking at jet-ski rides for the parents, petting zoo, jumping castle, it's going to be huge.
HoS: Fantastic. And Epponnee Rae is looking forward to it?
Kim: No... but I am.
Kath: She'd be happy with a little bit of sauce on a saveloy. We couldn't have a party for Kim when she was little because she was a biter.
HoS: Really... now, I hear that Shane Warne (cricketer) is going to visit you sometime this season.
Kath: Yes, yes. He's looking at real estate in Fountain Lakes.
HoS: Is he? And Kath, did he text you to confirm he was coming, or did thetext go to some-one else?
Kath: Oh yes, he sent me a saucy text and it was very cute, and I said absolutely. So he's coming over for a barbecue and Kel is gonna do some prawns on the hot rocks and I'm going to do my Hundred Island low-joule dressing for that and I think Warnie will be very pleased because he likes to watch what he eats.
HoS: Kim, I know Sharon has the hots for Shane. Are you going to keep your hornbag self out of the way to give her a chance?
Kim: Oh, if only I could. I mean that's the thing, I don't want to steal another guy away from Sharon but, you know, I probably will. When he claps eyes on me he won't believe what he sees.
HoS: You two have just been to a lovely resort in Queensland and New Zealanders are very keen on the Gold Coast. What were the highlights for you?
Kath: Oh, wow, yes Coolum was a dream come true. We had a beautiful family holiday, we did piggy back on to Kim and Brett but who cares... we did a lot of lying about the lagoon pool and we did buffet breakfasts and went to happy hour. It was a beautiful experience.
HoS: You know those buffet breakfasts, do you recommend stocking up on the pastries when you stay at these posh resorts?
Kath: Yeah, look you pay for all you can eat and I'm not that hungry. I normally have three prunes for brekkie so I stocked up on some of the croissants and the Danishes for later on. I stashed some of them in Kim's Dangerfield bag so I was all right.
HoS: And Kim? What was the highlight for you?
Kim: I think not so much for me but for all the other patrons seeing me in my string Burberry bikini. That was probably the highlight of everyone else's holiday.
HoS: Kath, how is Kel's MySpace page going?
Kath: Oh it's good. He's got about four besties (best friends) now. I'm on the top of the list. He's a got a new song on now, I think it's Lady in Red. He's podcasting some of his marinade ideas and he's a couple of hits.
He's got a You Tube demonstration as to how he does his lamb tongue skewers that he did so beautifully. He showed people how to make them. He had about four hits on that.
HoS: And some final advice to make us smile again?
Kath: Well I think, you know, it's a given, you've got to tune into Kath & Kim. Like you say, you're in the doldrums and it will cheer you up.
* Kath & Kim screens on TV3 tonight, at 7.30pm.
