KEY POINTS:
Some marvellous choice morsels to reveal today, civilians. So, fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy column...
Paris bites back
Ex-con and hotel heiress Paris Hilton appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman last week and he ripped her to shreds. No, sadly not literally, but he did extract the urine somewhat, as they say. The sardonic talk show host quizzed her about her recent stay in the clink - and she was having none of it.
At one point in the show, an audience member proclaimed his love for the airhead, to which Letterman replied: "Is that somebody you met in prison?" Noticeably miffed, Hilton replied, "I didn't come here to talk about this. That was a long time ago. Now you're making me sad that I came."
Watch Hilton's cringe worthy TV appearance here.
Model behaviour
It's no big secret that supermodel Naomi Campbell is a deluded diva with a penchant for mobile phone tossing. Well, Naomi can now add amnesia to her repertoire, too. Addressing a panel on racism and the fashion industry, Naomi bemoaned that she's never been featured on the front cover of British Vogue.
Earth to Naomi: Love, you've so far made eight appearances on the cover of British Vogue. Obviously, as far Campbell is concerned, the lights are on, but the dogs are definitely not barking.
Jacko weds (again)
Michael Jackson, if reports are to be believed, has moonwalked his way down the aisle for a third time, marrying his nanny in a hush-hush ceremony. How fabulous, that's three marriages, one for each eyelid.
His 1994 marriage to Elvis progeny, Lisa Marie Presley, lasted all of five seconds, and mercifully failed to produce any children - that could be because, according to Presley, he refused to be in the same room as her. He then married some other broad in 1996.
This latest union is said to have come to be because Jackson and his nanny grew close after she supported him through his child molestation case in 2005.
But, as with most stories surrounding Jacko's career, the whole thing could be an utter fabrication. Oh look, it appears as though it probably is. Here is Jacko's denial.
Aisle be there, says Pammy
And talking of nuptials, it looks as though ex-Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson is ready to skip down the aisle again. This time it's not with on-again, off-again playmates Tommy Lee or Kid Rock, but with a chap called Rick Salomon. His name may not ring any bells, but Salomon produced and starred in Paris Hilton's legendary sex tape "One Night in Paris".
I give them two weeks before she calls the divorce lawyers.
Spider-Manson
My sleuthing spies inform me that shouty goth Marilyn Manson has been pestering the producers of upcoming Broadway Show Spider-Man: The Musical for a part in the production. If the fact that there's a Spidey musical in the making doesn't make you die inside, the sight of the bug-eyed rocker in lycra might just finish you off anyway.
Madge: so vein
Pop high priestess Madonna may still be able to churn out the hits after nearly three decades in the business, but her age is rapidly catching up with her. The 49-year-old singer was papped by a British tabloid last week sporting some rather wrinkly and veiny hands that would indicate she's battling with the signs of ageing.
Personally, I think Madge looks absolutely amazing for her age. Her macrobiotic diet and ruthless fitness clearly keep her in top form. And as for those ageing hands? Well, ageing comes to us all. We should sympathise with her, not gloat.
Quote of the day:
"I absolutely hate red carpet events. I don't like the fact that people write 'Oh you look like crap' [afterwards] or 'I don't like your arms'. I'm not Wonder Woman! I have self-esteem issues. Everybody does. You know, skinny people are allowed to feel shit about themselves [too]."
- Keira Knightley tells it like it is.
See you Wednesday, civilians.
