The winner of Celebrity Treasure Island 2022 has been crowned. Photo / TVNZ
REVIEW:
PSA: IT’S THE FINAL
Usually, I’m not allowed to write in caps lock but who cares, it’s the last day. I’m letting my hair down.
We kick off the episode with the very last elimination battle. It’s Siobhan Marshall who is competing for South Pacific Animal Rescue against Courtenay Louise who is competing for Voices of Hope.
Despite all odds, Marshall does not throw the challenge, “I’m going to have to dig deep for this one” she tells the confession cam.
Meanwhile, our final two men are having a deep and meaningful. Elvis Lopeti tells Jesse Tuke, “As much as I wanted to throw that challenge, I couldn’t. I couldn’t take that risk.”
The dancer might be letting his walls down, but Tuke is still keeping up his traitor facade and tells Lopeti he isn’t hiding anything from him, deciding to lie a little bit longer.
“I just can’t risk it, I don’t know what it’s gonna do so I’m going to lie a little bit longer,” he tells the confession cam. Tuke, you little player.
Back at the elimination round, the two female icons are smack bam in the middle of their endurance challenge.
Marshall is struggling while Louise looks like she has gone off into a world of peace, love and zen. Then suddenly, a bucket flips. Marshall is going home, “I’m proud of myself for doing this and getting this far,” she says.
We love to see it. But I’m done with the niceties. Give me the drama.
Louise runs around the corner to see her co-finalists and Tuke has some choice words, “Courtenay, Courtenay, Courtenay, like a cockroach. You can’t get rid of her.”
The final three get their much-needed beauty sleep and before they kick off in the morning, Tuke decides he is ready to lay his cards out on the table.
“I’ve got something to tell you,” he tells them, “the reality is I haven’t been very truthful for a good couple of weeks now and as Courtenay probably knows and has worked out by now, I am the traitor.”
Tuke goes into a big spiel about how hard it’s been keeping the secret and how he didn’t want to tell Lopeti in case he threw the challenge. Oh boy, I may say some dumb stuff in these recaps but that might be the silliest thing ever said.
Lopeti’s face quickly changes faster than the wind, “I’m pissed off because I literally just told you I wasn’t going to do anything like that and you still lied to me,” he tells Tuke.
You can tell Tuke is a nice, understanding guy on the outside though because he tells the confession cam, “Elvis and Courtenay are pissed, fair enough, I’ve been lying to them and I’m the traitor. I’d be pissed at me.”
Doesn’t that just grind your gears?
Finally, we kickstart the final challenge. It’s Courtenay Louise who is competing for Voices of Hope, against Jesse Tuke who is competing for Live Ocean and Elvis Lopeti who is competing for Sisters United.
Lopeti is walking through the bush on his way to the first challenge when he has to stop, “Ugh, there are spiders in here,” he says in disgust before falling through a pothole. I’ve never related more to the dancer.
Tuke and Louise make it to the first challenge and the sports commentator quickly finds his clue before running off to the next challenge. Louise is next, “I see him going up the hill, I need to be on his heels,” she tells the confession cam running after Tuke.
Tuke and Louise make it through the net challenge but Tuke gets through first - of course. Honestly, if this man wins the people at home will be furious. I’m rooting for you Lousie!
Lopeti finally makes it through the first challenge and he has to make a side stop because he doesn’t have a screwdriver, “ugh! Dam it!” he yells.
“Talk about PTSD traumatising,” he says as the challenge note tells him he has to dig a hole to get into the cage which holds the screwdriver.
Meanwhile, Tuke gets to the next challenge and quickly gets all the puzzle pieces he needs to move on but first, he must put together that puzzle. Thankfully, his friend and former castaway, Dylan Schmidt, left him a super sneaky clue that tells him how to put together the puzzle.
“I’ve got an advantage here,” he tells the confession cam. Oh, you don’t say Tuke.
Louise sneaks up behind him though and grabs a peek, “I see him with Dylan’s clue so I just go yellow, brown, red, boom. I’m at the puzzle, he’s at the puzzle. I can make up time here.” She tells the confession cam.
In the words of Shania Twain, let’s go girl(s).
“It’s a fiddly puzzle and I’ve got my biggest rival breathing down my neck,” Tuke says as he loses time getting way too distracted by Louise. The sports commentator lets up though and he’s off. He’s got his shovel, he’s got his compass, he’s got the clues and oops - he falls of the side of a cliff.
Man down!
But don’t worry everyone, Tuke has had nothing but luck this season, why should it stop now? He emerges unscathed and runs off to find that pesky treasure chest.
While Louise is still struggling with the puzzle, Tuke uses his prior knowledge and spots his landmarks. The rock, and the aeroplane piece and Louise comes over the dune just in time to see him find the treasure chest.
Her devastation is real.
“You beauty,” he says as he realises he has won Treasure Island. Thankfully, his fellow finalists are anything but sore losers ... kind of. “Well done Jesse, you stupid silly man,” Lopeti says while watching Tuke throw the $100k in the air.
What an immaculate summary of my feelings.
“Can’t wait to tell my bro. Live Ocean is his charity and I know how much amazing work they do and this $100k is going to go a long way.” Tuke says.
So there you have it Celebrity Treasure Island punters, Jesse Tuke has won $100k for the charity, Live Ocean, Courtenay Louise is the best on-demand crier NZ has ever seen and Elvis Lopeti is the sass queen we never knew we needed.
See you next season when I try not to lose my mind and the twists and turns continue.