Suzanne Paul has a trick up her sleeve. Photo / TVNZ
REVIEW
Captain Suzanne Paul has identified the biggest problem facing Team Aihe/Dolphin - and it’s not Tāmati Coffey’s cheating ways.
“We need to start practisin’ those dolphin sounds,” she says, after a montage of her team members celebrating by squawking and bawking like constipated chickens. “I’m not sure I’ve ‘ever ‘eard a dolphin.”
Ya don’t say…
Nevertheless! Aihe will soon have bigger fish to fry.
For now we join Team Wētā, who are literally frying fish. Dunkedon Garner has made superb use of the fishing gear they won and, like Jesus, has provided fish for the hungry.
As he reels in snapper and kahawai, his captain Wairangi Koopu reels over his strategic blunders in facing Aihe. Looking for guidance, he forms a shadow cabinet with Labour politician Carmel Sepuloni, who happily slips into the role of Wormtongue to Koopu’s clueless King Theoden.
“There’s probably going to be an elimination today,” she whispers in his ear. “What’s your strategy for choosing?”
“Um…” he replies.
“You’ll make the right choice, bro,” she says, slithering away, safe in the knowledge it won’t be her.
Today Wētā get a bonus Charity Challenge, where they compete against each other to win $5000 for their charities. They hop into sacks and start hopping around a ball-littered circle, aiming to put the most balls into their respective sacks.
Proving loyalty is a one-way street, King Koopu covertly tosses red balls into Sepuloni’s sack whenever she’s not looking. These deduct points from a player’s final score. However, his adviser notices and begins firing back. Divided, they crumble. Male model Vinnie Woolston and Outrageous Fortune actor Aidee Walker progress to the final.
Proving a belly full of fish doesn’t guarantee friendship, the second round’s contestants immediately dunk on Garner, particularly Boy actor James Rolleston.
“You prick!” Dunkedon Garner haughtily exclaims under Rolleston’s constant harassment. However, a retaliatory nudge sends Rolleston to the ground, causing his precious balls to roll out of his sack. He is eliminated along with actress Gaby Solomona. Former Silver Fern Casey Kopua, drag queen Spankie Jackzon and Dunkedon Garner progress to the final.
“They’re targeting me!” Dunkedon Garner glumly says, overwhelmed by red balls and less-than-innocent bumps. But when it comes to handling balls and sacks no one can beat a drag queen, and Jackzon emerges victorious.
Meanwhile, morale is collapsing at Team Aihe. McLeod’s Daughters actress Michelle Langstone is rocked by Coffey’s scandalous cheating.
“Did you notice the whole vibe in our team change?” she asks actor Millen Baird.
“Do we give him the benefit of the doubt?” the naive Baird asks.
“No!” Langstone says, miffed. “I will not give him the benefit of any doubt ever again.”
Also discussing Coffey’s cheating are comedian Janaye Henry and world champion boxer Mea Motu, who vows to confront him. She calls a team talk. Facing a barrage of accusatory jabs, Coffey stands defiant, maintaining his “windy” defence.
Biff!
JP Foliaki: “I thought you knew you cheated.”
Bam!
Henry: “I also thought you knew.”
Pow!
Langstone: “Same.”
“This is why we’ve come together,” Motu says, winding up for the KO. “So we can get the honest truth from you.”
Coffey’s against the ropes but comes out swinging.
“I maintain my innocence!” he grandstands, before furiously admonishing those conspiring against him. “I want everyone to respect that!”
The chorus of silent side-eyes shows few plan to respect that.
“For our morale, we ‘ave to win this,” Paul says, leading the divided Aihe to the Team Face-Off. The odds are forever not in their favour as the challenge relies on shooting hoops to win and Wētā has a Silver Fern in their ranks.
The prize is getting to pick the pair-up for the upcoming elimination challenge and a gourmet breakfast that includes coffee, bacon and eggs.
“I want to win the eggs,” Kopua says, steely-faced.
“This round is so important for Tāmati,” Aihe’s Henry says. “This is his chance at redemption.”
Redemption is not forthcoming. Aihe sink, 3-0.
“We absolutely spanked them,” Koopu gloats as his team loudly celebrates, blissfully unaware of the withering look of Aihe’s sullen former All Black.
“What really pisses me off is peacocking,” seethes Christian Cullen. “I don’t like people that do.”
Nor does his captain Paul, who in a strategic masterstroke whips an ace out of her sleeve; her prize from the Captain’s Coup, which allows her to yank the reward right out of Wētā's salivating mouths.
“She’s a nasty woman,” Solomona bleats as Wētā retreats, grumbling and eggless, back to camp.
They immediately begin plotting revenge as they weigh up who to pair off in the elimination. As captain, Koopu has to make a tough call. “It’s not like I can choose Duncan just because he snores,” he says, randomly dunking on Garner.
From Aihe he selects comedian Bubbah, AKA Tina from Turners, pitting her against Woolston. He’s banking on Woolston’s athleticism and composure beating Bubbah’s giggly energy.
The pair are tied to spinning platforms. The challenge is to balance a stack of balls on their platform for five seconds. The twist is the balls are located on a separate platform. Each step they take to collect the balls causes their platform to spin, which could make the balls they’ve already collected fall off.
It’s a classic tortoise-and-hare race where patience, not speed, is key. Woolston struggles to stay in slow-mo and his balls continuously tumble. Under pressure, he makes a strategic blunder when he knocks all the balls off to rebuild his pile. They roll wildly away; he has no choice but to rush after them. Balls spin everywhere as Bubbah plods her way to victory.
Woolston is eliminated. Wētā's strategy under Koopu’s leadership once again fails spectacularly, leaving his team in tears as Woolston graciously departs.
Bubbah is ecstatic over her prize; she can now order a rematch of any challenge - including eliminations. Her triumph, along with Paul’s earlier breakfast-swiping maneuver, has injected much-needed hope into Camp Aihe. The question is, how long will this hard-won solidarity last?
Taking no chances, Bubbah tucks her scroll safely away. “I’m just gonna keep this to myself,” she grins slyly, before rejoining her reinvigorated teammates to celebrate.
Celebrity Treasure Island airs Mondays to Wednesdays at 7.30PM on TVNZ 2 and is available on TVNZ+.
Karl Puschmann is an entertainment columnist for the Herald. His fascination lies in finding out what drives and inspires creative people.
From where to get the best view to when the roads will close.