Spankie Jackzon collapses during a challenge. Photo / TVNZ
REVIEW
Spankie Jackzon is suspicious. Looking JP Foliaki directly in the eye, he asks: “Would you rather be here, or there?”
It is a valid question. As a team, Wētā had agreed to rally behind captain Wairangi Koopu and throw the Captain’s Coup challenge, but Foliaki deviated from the plan and almost took out Koopu to become Wētā's new captain.
“I prefer to be here,” Foliaki replies.
Jackzon’s suspicions are not alleviated. He calls Foliaki’s actions “a snake move”.
Nevertheless! We must leave Wētā to their slithering and join Aihe at the Charity Challenge, where they are playing Jinx. The twist is that the rules have been flipped so “Jinxing” your partner is a good thing.
As no one comes close to matching Koopu’s freewheeling word association of “pink” with “nipples” there’s not much to laugh about and Michelle Langstone ticks off her second Charity Challenge win.
Later, Aihe concocts a cunning plan to use mind games to lull the physically dominating Wētā into a false sense of security. They will present as a group in turmoil, with captain Millen Baird turning heel against Christian Cullen and Langstone.
“I have no idea if it’s gonna have any impact,” Langstone says. “But I’m hoping it’s enough of a distraction that they’ll get too confident and stuff up.”
They arrive at the challenge with Langstone weeping buckets of alligator tears, and Cullen and Baird in a heated row. But such is Wētā's laser focus, it’s hard to tell if they’re buying it.
The challenge sees one member of each team swimming out to a buoy to grab a key. This opens a chest their teammates must heave to shore. Inside are wooden puzzle pieces that assemble to make a bridge. First across their bridge to ring a bell wins.
Jackzon and Cullen dive into the water, with the drag superstar gliding to a sizable lead.
“Spankie was Feilding Swim Champ,” Koopu smiles, as Jackzon returns to shore with the key.
“I absolutely smoked Christian Cullen,” Jackzon says modestly.
But at what cost?
Wincing in pain he hands over the key and wobbles away. “I can’t breathe,” he wheezes as a medic runs over. Clutching his heart, he keels over and gasps: “Am I dying?”
Wētā's real drama is now causing far more concern than Aihe’s fake one and their lead slips away. But the real momentum shift comes when Aidee Walker, the player Wētā booted out for being weak, notices a subtle difference in the paint on the puzzle pieces. It’s a massive discovery, allowing her to identify which bridge section the pieces belong in.
“The tables have turned!” co-host Lance Savali shouts as Aihe soars ahead. Wētā looks on bamboozled as Aihe comprehensively takes the win.
Wētā retreats to camp to discuss the elimination. Carmel Sepuloni reckons she’s a target but is not worried as her ally Koopu holds a swap card, allowing him to yoink her out of danger.
However, Aihe is also aware of Koopu’s card and the protection it offers Sepuloni. As Baird considers who to pick, Janaye Henry creeps up with advice.
“I’d put up Duncan,” she says, dunking on Hottie Garner and forcing this column to retire Duncan Garner’s new moniker after just one day and revert to his old one.
“Yeah,” Baird muses, as Dunkedon Garner slumbers blissfully, undisturbed by the knife protruding from his back.
After arriving at the Elimination Challenge, both teams are rocked by an immediate surprise elimination.
“Unfortunately, I’m gonna have to tap out,” Jackzon says to a chorus of gasps, the “munted rib” he suffered during the touch rugby challenge a few days ago ending his CTI journey.
After hugs and goodbyes, the challenge proceeds. As expected, Baird calls Sepuloni, pitting her against Walker.
Koopu quietly consults with Sepuloni about playing the swap card. But having orchestrated Walker’s removal from Wētā, Sepuloni sees no threat. Smiling, she whispers: “I’ll just do it, bro.”
The challenge is an endurance test. They will each pick a teammate and then lift a block with their feet. The team that holds the block up the longest wins.
Walker goes rogue and picks old teammate Mea Motu, banking on both her physical strength and any remnants of friendship and loyalty.
“Eh? Why me?” Motu says, visibly offended. “I’m on the opposite team! That really pissed me off.”
Sepuloni is fired up and determined to take out Walker once and for all. She picks the former Auckland Touch representative Gaby Solomona.
The challenge begins.
10 minutes in: Solomona’s legs start to shake. “No,” Sepuloni admonishes. “No.” Solomona’s legs steady.
20 calf-burning minutes in: Sepuloni, Solomona and Walker are visibly in pain, but Motu has enough power, strength and stamina to dedicate precious energy reserves to shooting daggers at Walker.
“Physically I’ve got it,” she says. “Emotionally, I’m pissed. I’m really annoyed.”
Forty excruciating minutes in: Sepuloni’s legs start to shake. “No,” admonishes Solomona, before calling on the strength of her ancestors by singing a Samoan song taught to her by her Nana. It is quite beautiful and rallies both women. Sepuloni’s legs steady.
50 tortuous minutes in: The teams are prohibited from holding their legs. Pain flashes across their faces as their aching legs struggle. Sepuloni and Solomona’s box begins to wobble dangerously.
Resigned to her fate, Sepuloni says she’s done. But before she can drop the box Motu unexpectedly cries out: “This cramp is wicked! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” and she starts pushing against the box to stretch her seizing legs, forcing Walker’s knees to bunch up into her face. Walker repeatedly yelps: “You’re pushing me off my chair!” She loses her balance and their box tumbles to the ground. Walker is eliminated.
It’s funny, but that final minute was the only time Motu didn’t look colossally peeved. Instead, she looked like she was struggling to keep a wicked smirk off her face.
But hey, that was probably just the cramp …
Celebrity Treasure Island airs Mondays to Wednesdays at 7.30pm on TVNZ 2 and is available on TVNZ+.
Karl Puschmann is an entertainment columnist for the Herald. His fascination lies in finding out what drives and inspires creative people.
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