This year’s Treasure Island has been a marathon, not a sprint. And, in much drier conditions than the weekend’s Auckland Marathon, we have almost reached the finish line.
I for one am dehydrated, with blisters everywhere, crawling on my hands and knees to the end. But our final four, Jesse Tuke, Courtenay Louise, Elvis Lopeti and Siobhan Marshall are refreshed and ready for the day.
Sitting around a lush brunch laughing together, Louise tells the confession “Everything’s just kind of out on the table now”.
And while it’s true, every secret laid bare on the table, it seems something is noticeably absent: a traitor-sized centrepiece.
The celebs are switching back into game mode, “You know when you’re just like having a good time then you’re like, ugh, you have to do something,” Lopeti tells the confession cam, “it’s just like, ugh, you’re ruining my day.”
Oh Lopeti, you have no idea how much I relate to that after doing these recaps for two months.
The celebs walk down to the beach to meet host Bree Tomasel who explains the winning pair of this challenge will get to steal a clue each from the losing pair. It’s enough to have Jesse Tuke - who currently holds all the clues - shaking in his shoes.
“I don’t want anyone to steal my clues!” he tells the confession cam.
Tomasel explains to win they must use strength and complete a puzzle but Louise has zoned out, she doesn’t care, there is only one thing on her mind, “I don’t want them to win this at all. At all,” she tells the confession cam.
They crack into the challenge by attempting to pull a huge bag of puzzle blocks out of the sand - but not just any sand: it’s quicksand.
And by quicksand I mean the stuff closest to the water that sucks your feet in and makes you dramatically yell at your mum “look! I’m sinking!” While she rolls her eyes and laughs when you fall over trying to get out of it.
Sometimes it's about mind over muscle. Photo / TVNZ
Surprisingly the quicksand is a blessing in disguise and Louise and Marshall use their mind - and okay, their muscle too - to pull their puzzle blocks out of the sand with the help of the water. They quickly take out the win and get to go clue stealing.
“I feel like they’re going to come after me, steal my compass, steal my screwdriver and I’ll be screwed,” Tuke tells the confession cam but Tomasel tells the girls they aren’t allowed to both take a clue from the same person.
The women win and Marshall takes the spindle from Lopeti and Louise takes the puzzle piece from Tuke.
Tuke is stoked, as Louise took the only clue he didn’t need and that he had two of. “I’m over the moon with this situation, I’ve still got every single clue I had coming into this situation,” he laughs to the confession cam.
How Elvis feels about handing over his clue. Photo / TVNZ
Tuke and Lopeti hand over their clues back at camp - not without a bit of cheek though, and then Tuke and Louise slip away for a chat.
“You know that little pilot logbook?” she asks the sports commentator, “I’m going to read you a piece that really stuck out to me and I’m gonna watch you when I read it because I think I’m the only person who has figured this out.”
“Are you accusing me of being the traitor?” he laughs and if you blink you’ll miss Louise’s personality flip.
Suddenly she is in her villain era and ferociously smacks Tuke with a book, “Why can’t you just tell me, why can’t you just tell me you’re the traitor, not the navigator.”
Slapping the lies out of Jesse didn't prove effective. Photo / TVNZ
“It pains me not to tell Courtenay the truth, because she has been loyal but I’m so close now,” Tuke tells the confession cam, “We’re all here to play a game.”
The lack of answers from Tuke is enough to fuel Louise for the next challenge and she tells the confession cam, “I want it for women, I want it for myself but I want to beat Jesse Tuke like that is it.”
Oh, it’s personal now.
This could be the worst challenge in CTI history. Photo / TVNZ
The next challenge looks like a beep test but on a super hot day, in the sand, with huge stakes. I don’t know about you but my fight or flight mode has been triggered.
As for the celebs, they are ready to play as they are told the winning pair will get through to the final while the losing pair face off in an elimination battle.
The endurance throughout the challenge is incredible and after burning a year’s worth of kilojoules in one day, ultimately the boys take out the win.
Louise falls to the ground, “I can’t even explain that moment, the devastation I feel and like the realisation that Siobhan and I are going up against each other tonight, like, I am crushed.” Louise tells the confession cam.
It’s such a hard moment that even Tomasel has to walk off to wipe her tears.
Devastated doesn't even begin to explain it. Photo / TVNZ
Later, after the women have a chance to catch their breath, Louise is the picture of every single person who is dealing with the hangxiety of texting their ex; “I’m gutted,” she tells the confession cam while lying in fetal position on the beach.
We’ve all been there, Louise, the only way through is by unsending the message, ordering Maccy D’s and pretending it never happened.
Thankfully, Marshall, ever the maternal figure, goes over to her bestie and gives her a massive hug.
Siri, play the saddest song in the world. We have some crying to do. Photo / TVNZ
“Stupid boys,” Marshall says trying to lighten the mood but why am I getting the vibe she might throw the challenge?
“I’m just battling with not doing it at all. I just want to not do it, I want you to go through,” Marshall tells Louise who instantly shakes her head, “no”. The two chat for a while longer but I can’t shake the feeling. Marshall may just give up to see her alliance partner get through to the final three.
Meanwhile, the lads are having a secret celebration, until Lopeti ruins the moment by reminding everyone this is a game.
“I needed to get into this final to have a shot at this $100k for my charity and also to take you on properly and take you down seriously,” he not so jokingly tells Tuke, “When the sun rises tomorrow, you’re out.”
Lopeti goes on to ask if Tuke knows something the others don’t and Tuke admits he knows a couple of things that “give him a few pointers” and will help him along the way.
Liarrrrrrr! I scream just like Khloe Kardashian did when she found out about Tristan Thompson’s cheating.
It's not the all female final we had in mind. Photo / TVNZ
The two women head off for their final elimination round and Lopeti and Tuke quietly celebrate about being in the final three, “And then Jesse took his shirt off and I was like ewww hairy chest,” Lopeti tells the confession cam.
Oh come on Lopeti, he’s just being an au natural Kiwi bloke.
As for who joins the lads in the final three? We have been left with our very last cliffhanger.
Celebrity Treasure Island airs weekly, Mon-Wed, 7.30pm on TVNZ2 and TVNZ +.
