Ron Cribb is not impressed with his team, not even a little bit. Photo / TVNZ
REVIEW:
We are halfway through Treasure Island and the celebs have officially lost the plot.
Kuaka's Jesse Tuke is trying his best Zoolander impression and he's convinced me what Derek Zoolander couldn't - there's more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking.
Tuke is ditching Blue Steel impressions and instead spying on what the producers are setting up on the beach.
Grabbing a cheeky look in the binoculars, Kuaka spot what today's challenge is going to be and it looks like there is some rowing involved. So Tuke does what any good navigator would do and sits the team down to practice their rowing.
It may seem like a cute, wholesome activity but there is one teammate who is not buying the happy family charade.
Speaking to confession cam, Melodie Robinson says, "Jesse is playing the game he's keeping everybody happy in this camp but you've got to be blind to think the navigator and someone as talented as him is not a threat."
Over at Mangō, Te Kohe Tuhaka is having a different kind of moment and it makes me believe in love again.
Reading a touching letter from his wife, the actor says through tears, "My family, it's the thing that keeps me driving forward, it's the thing that tells me you're on the right track."
It's so wholesome it hurts. Thankfully, before I can get soppy, we cut to the team challenge and Mangō's Karen O'Leary is getting the friendly competition started. Looking at Kuaka she tells them, "Yeah you had one lucky win but this is not becoming a habit."
I have a bad feeling she's just jinxed Mangō.
Before anyone can call out the possible jinxing, host Bree Tomasel reveals what the teams are competing for and it's Chris Parker?
The comedian and winner of last year's competition jumps out of a huge red box on the beach and tells the teams the winner will get to pick his brain for a strategy session.
Sadly, no one is really that excited so Parker tells them he also has smoothies! Yes! The enthusiasm on this island just went from 0 to 100.
We start the challenge and the teams get into boats to row out to get puzzle pieces that are in bags in the ocean. Mangō's Ron Cribb's oar snaps in half and it causes the former All-Black legend to go full Hulk and throw it in the ocean.
Then, as if the vein on Cribb's head wasn't popping out enough already, his teammate Elvis Lopeti can't untie the rope to get the puzzle pieces - largely because it's the wrong rope. It's super stressful but gives us this absolute gem from Parker who describes it as "neggy energy".
From now on I will refer to every negative situation as neggy energy. Slay.
"I could literally smell the tension," Parker cringes. He's not wrong, back at camp Cribb gives Mangō a very stern talking to because he was really disappointed with their overall performance.
"I don't believe in negative feedback or positive feedback, I believe in honesty." He tells the confession cam. Honestly, I believe in spending all my money on clothes, but it's not always the best option, is it?
Lopeiti is feeling the hit and tells Cribb, "I'll try not to lean on your shoulder anymore." It's very awkward for everyone except O'Leary who had to sit out of the challenge to make the team numbers even.
"It didn't really apply to me because I wasn't in it, so I didn't get told off," she grins. It's the same type of satisfaction when your siblings get told off for something you're not a part of.
At Kuaka they're strategy chatting to Parker and Tuke has some thoughts, "When Chris is talking I'm not really thinking about me," adding, "I'm worried about what it's doing in other people's brains."
He cuts the group chat off really quick and steals Parker for a one-on-one chat. It's giving The Bachelor vibes and Tuke will absolutely throw his champagne if someone tries to cut in.
Tuke decides to spill not just a little bit of tea, but all the tea. If the other celebs were smart about it they would have been eavesdropping, but alas they were busy drinking smoothies. Priorities.
Tuke tells Parker the huge lie he's told the celebs, and that he's hidden the treasure. The bombshell causes Parker lays down the truth, "You've done the murder, there's blood on your hands, and everyone can smell it." He tells the sports commentator it's very important he doesn't slip up.
At this point, Tuke knows he needs to bribe a producer to show him footage of the exact lie so he can memorise it.
Parker heads back to Kuaka and captain Cam Mansel is finally in his Cady Heron revenge era. He tells Parker his plans to put up Robinson for elimination and why he's hesitant.
Parker tells him it's just a big game of monopoly, so not to worry and it's enough to provoke Mansel to push Robinson into the path of the bus. Mwahaha.
Mansel ultimately decides to put up Robinson who is competing for Rugby Foundation, against Mangō's actor Te Kohe Tuhaka who is competing for Water Safety NZ.
It's all go and suspense is in the air. Tuke has reprised his role as Zoolander with a wild new hairstyle and it was probably what causes Tuhaka to tear his eyes away from the game for one second.
The wrong move sees the actor lose but it's not a sad goodbye as we know he's off to his happy place - home. "It's a massive relief that I'm getting to go home," he tells the confession cam.
Mansel might have tried to throw Robinson under the bus, but at least Tuhaka will get to spend the last few weeks of his wife's pregnancy with his family.
Honey, he's coming home!
Celebrity Treasure Island airs weekly, Mon-Wed, 7.30pm on TVNZ2 and TVNZ +.
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