Courtney Dawson emotionally confessed she feels out of place on the show among other celebrities. Photo / TVNZ
Courtney Dawson emotionally confessed she feels out of place on the show among other celebrities. Photo / TVNZ
OPINION
It’s the first morning at camp Weka and things have shifted for the castaways.
Not only because they are all sharing one living space like a bunch of messy students on Castle Street, but because they are realising stuff. Particularly how important alliances are.
Sneaking away for a little chit-chat, Nick Afoa and Eli Matthewson make a deal like McDonald’s makes a burger. Sloppy, missing a couple of ingredients, yet somehow delicious, and it makes us realise Matthewson has more alliances than King Charles has crowns.
“I’ve gone from potentially going home to the strongest position here,” Matthewson cheekily tells the confession cam, and I know deep in my soul, the eponymous character in Ja’mie: Private School Girl would describe this moment as “quiche”.
Matthewson appears to have realised that, in fact, red and orange DO clash. Photo / TVNZ
Seeking immunity, Afoa shares his game-changing advantage with the comedian, and honestly, is anyone else confused? The individual face-off hasn’t even happened yet. Can Afoa see something we can’t? Where is the crystal ball on this island? I need answers.
Before we can get them though, it’s off to the first official individual face-off. Host Jayden Daniels reveals it to be a battle of endurance. Today, the castaways must stand on a small pontoon with a triangular pyramid on top, starting with their feet on the lowest and easiest footholds, then go to the smaller ones, and then the top one. Whoever is the last one standing wins.
It immediately gives Afoa flashbacks to the elimination round in which he sent Vandermade home, “Are they serious? Do they know my feet are still a little bit sore? Are they trying to get me out?” he asks the confession cam, and the answer is yes. That is literally the point of the game.
After a challenge that looks more painful than wearing a pair of Christian Louboutins circa 2011 and goes longer than the 2023 election campaigns, tsunami Steve Price comes out of nowhere. Falling into the water, he causes seven more castaways to fall off their pontoons, leaving only the strongest - and furthest away - left: Afoa, Courtney Dawson and Mel Homer.
How we imagine the ancient Egyptians surfed. Photo / TVNZ
If it was a battle of the coolest, Schmidt-Peke tells the confession cam Dawson would win because she looks “cool”, which immediately makes waves and sees Homer fall off her pontoon, leaving it a battle between Afoa and Dawson.
Dawson prepares for another couple of hours in the sun on her pontoon, until the sore-footed Afoa tells his “sis” he will jump into the water and let her win as long as she doesn’t put him up for elimination.
The beer-and-sushi prize pack is as tempting as a $2 Cotton On charity tote bag, and the comedian finds herself saying yes, making her the winner.
Unfortunately, the winner’s high doesn’t hit quite like it should, and back at camp Dawson breaks down, realising she has a million tote bags and really didn’t need another one. “I just feel so stupid,” she tells the confession cam, adding, “I just feel like I’m like letting myself down and letting everyone down.”
We’re all a little bit confused, until the penny drops and we realise it’s not about the tote bag at all! It’s about Dawson’s imposter syndrome, which is honestly even sadder than spending $2 on another tote bag and throwing it in your wardrobe, “Just even the fact that I’m here - I feel like I’m a normal person with all these celebrities. I don’t know what I’m doing here,” she says, adding, “This whole thing is really scary.”
Thankfully, James Mustapic and Laura Daniel are mid-bear hunt when they spot their tearful friend and immediately jump into drunk-girls-in-a-club-bathroom mode.
Babes, no! Your mascara still looks amaze. Photo / TVNZ
Smothering her in love and compliments, Dawson explains that she wishes she had proved herself in the challenge instead of giving up, and we get it. It’s like when you finally get Dad to come watch you do a flip on the trampoline and you mess it up and wind yourself. Sure, it physically hurts, but the ego, oh God, the ego needs medical attention.
Before anyone can call 111, Mustapic reminds us it simply isn’t that deep: “Girl, I wasn’t going to wait around on that beach watching you for two and a half hours. I’ve got sh*t to do - take the deal.”
He then does what any good friend would do: drags her off to gossip over sushi and beer in the sun. Nature is healing. But while they’re gossiping - sorry, strategising who should go up for elimination - our hearts drop like we’ve just been on a ride at Rainbow’s End. “Steve’s got to go,” they agree.
Not our friendly giant - this hurts more than Uber Eats mucking up your order and sending you a salad when you’re hungover.
We can’t dwell on our feelings for too long though, as Homer crashes the date, then Blair Strang, and they’re both trying to strike deals with Dawson. Mustapic is loving it. “I feel like I’m on The Bachelor because people keep coming in and interrupting,” he tells the confession cam. “People are fearing for their lives. It’s kinda fun to watch.”
I've never seen this Bachelor format before. Photo / TVNZ
At the elimination round, Dawson decides to put up league legend Steve Price, battling it out for the Child Cancer Foundation, against actor Blair Strang, battling it out for the Dementia Foundation, and this one hurts. Zaddy Grylls or Teddy Bear Price? Personally, I’m putting on my silky sleep mask and blocking it out. If I don’t recap it, it didn’t happen, right?
After much consideration (my editor telling me off), I reluctantly decide to recap this elimination round, and we kick it off with Strang telling the confession cam, “I feel quite comfortable because I’m the eliminator,” he laughs. “It sounds sick, but I love them [elimination rounds]. What a sick bugger.”
It’s a battle of balance and co-ordination for the two men, who must balance a suspended platform and place building blocks on it. After a frustrating 15 minutes, Zaddy Grylls, Blair Grylls, Shorty St Guy, the eliminator, is eliminated. Our best boy Strang is going home.
It’s not exactly a sad goodbye for the funniest castaway on the island, as he jokes his favourite moment was “probably taking out Jordan”. It’s also probably the only goodbye where we realise it’s just a game and don’t need to cry - hold the tissues, Mum.
Be right back - starting a petition to have a Zaddy Grylls spin-off show. Photo / TVNZ
However, before we can say sayonara to the episode, our gentle giant, nail polish-slaying Price appears on the confession cam with the clue he won in the battle. “I’m gonna have to find it before other people find it, that’s for sure,” he grins.
I don’t know about you, but I’m filled with more intrigue than my wardrobe is with Cotton On shame totes.
Celebrity Treasure Island airs weekly, Mon-Wed, at 7.30PM on TVNZ 2 and TVNZ +.
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.
