KEY POINTS:
Britney Spears, the biggest train wreck in Hollywood history, continues to spiral out of control and make a complete twit of herself.
Apologies for the incessant Britney posts, but this layabout idiot is so out of control, I can't help but share her latest exploits with you.
Admittedly, there are times when I feel like the literary version of a warren of bloodthirsty paparazzi, for all I seem to write is "Britney, Britney, Britney, Britney, Britney, and bloody Britney!"
Speaking of Britney and paparazzi...
Britney was verbally accosted by a crazed woman this week after the Spears sisters pulled over at a branch of Starbucks for some caffeine.
The un-named woman was apparently incandescent with rage over Britney's antics and paparazzi posse in her respectable neighbourhood, so she shouted "Nobody wants you in this neighborhood...you're making the neighborhood unsafe!"
Jamie Lynn, who will no doubt be breeding soon, retaliated by yelling back, "Then move the f*** out of the neighborhood!" Such a classy bird. The unexpected retort, however, was met with much derision and almighty "huzzahs" from the awaiting paparazzi.
The heroic woman then tried to grab and shove Jamie before a terrified Britney pleaded with the paparazzi not to let the woman touch her sister. When that futile manoeuvre failed, Britters rushed her sister into a nearby sushi restaurant.
What was she planning on doing in there, stocking up on wasabi so she could splatter the paparazzo's eyeholes?
You can watch a video of the tragic incident here.
Britney's neighbours in Malibu have become enraged by her erratic behaviour and the media attention her exploits attract.
But despite their fears, Britney has been carrying on with her favourite pastime of driving around in her car with kid sister Jamie, while being courted by throngs of paparazzi.
It's easy to forget that Britney Spears isn't just some drug-dependent hobo who whiles away her days drinking Pepsi and tottering around with her hair extensions by her ankles. She actually a singer who's sold millions of albums worldwide, and actually isn't that bad an artist - but only when her hideous lifestyle doesn't get in the way.
Go home, Britney. Shut the door, take the phone off the hook and try to maintain what little self respect you have left. This has to stop. Now.
In the meantime, help is at hand for the troubled singer. TV life coach extraordinaire Dr. Phil is urging Britney's people to let him have a crack at her.
Waiting to drop...
Latino singer Jennifer Lopez continues to be in denial over what must be the worst kept secret in Hollywood.
Speculation is growing that Lopez is in fact expecting twins, and if recent photographs of her ballooning waistline are to be believed, she's well on her way to being in the pudding club.
Lopez has apparently bailed on two scheduled appearances on Ryan Seacrest's radio show this week. The word on street is that she's avoiding announcing the news until she's goddam ready to do so - at this rate she'll still be denying her pregnancy even after the babies appear centerfold in OK magazine.
Rumour had it that J-Lo would announce her pregnancy at her Madison Square Garden concert Sunday night, but she obviously had second thoughts.
Honey, your bulge is showing, and it's definitely not wind you're retaining in there. Let it out.
Madge's adoption plans thwarted
Madonna's fast catching up with Brangelina in the baby collecting stakes, but it looks as though Madge will have to make do with her current brood for now.
Madge, or Zelda as she's affectionately referred to in media circles (due to her hideously veiny hands), had her hopes pinned on adopting a second Malawian child this year, but the child's outraged uncle voiced his opposition to the move.
The pop priestess, 49, and cockney geezer hubby had their hearts set on adopting 13-month-old orphan Mercy James to be the latest addition to their family following the adoption of David Banda from Malawi last year.
However, Mercy's uncle, John Ngalande, has taken umbrage to his daughter being adopted by a white person; and in particular by a woman whose idea of career advancement not so long ago was to let her bra straps down at the first sight of a camera lens.
He tells British newspaper The People, "We were told when Mercy went into the orphanage that we would be in constant contact with her and that she would come back to us after six years. I would like to stick to that. Whether it be Madonna or any other white person, I'm against our child being taken away."
He adds, "I would rather we be poor and struggling with Mercy, than for her to go and live with a big white star far away."
'I was sacked' - Rosie O'Donnell
Finally, an admission from the normally candid and outspoken Rosie O'Donnell that she was in fact sacked from The View television show.
Late Wednesday night, at a packed-out comedy club in Manhattan, O'Donnell took to the stage and admitted that Barbara Walters fired her ass from The View. This news morsel contradicts O'Donnell's previous reports that she left the show of her own accord. In reality, it transpires that there was nothing mutual about her decision to bail.
O'Donnell also revealed that Walters and her other couchmates wear earpieces through which the producers pipe through instructions on what to say, which she point blank refused to do.
Fast gossip...
* Sarah Jessica Parker's hands are as beautiful as her face: SeriouslyOMG
* Victoria Beckham blogs from Paris: BB
* How did Kid Rock respond to his ex-wife, Pamela Anderson, getting married to Rick Solomon in Vegas over the weekend? Newsweek
* Angelina Jolie collapses from boozing too much? Popbytes
* Scarlett Johansson's boobs are praised: Cityrag
* Charlie Sheen is nasty mean: ICYDK
* Nicole Richie's hideous penguin outfit: I'm Not Obsessed
* Lindsay Lohan is likely heading to college: Bumpshack
See you Friday, folks.
