KEY POINTS:
Unlikely candidate for mother of the year, Britney Spears, has hit out at rumours that she's pregnant again.
In Touch magazine reported that the former pop star is four weeks pregnant.
And while many of us were hoping it could have been a case of third time lucky for the troubled singer, the burning question on all our lips was: who's the daddy?
And, more importantly, would he admit it?
It doesn't matter anyway, for In Touch magazine has given music producer J.R. Rotem first prize for donating his manly oats.
No, I have no idea who he is either.
But while Spears is fiercely denying the baby rumours, Rotem allegedly told the magazine, "It's true".
Unfitney, who turns 26 on Sunday, is said to have emailed her buddies with an ultrasound picture of the baby, swearing them all to secrecy.
After lensing a pointless video for her new single Piece of Me, Brits sent American Idol presenter Ryan Seacrest a message, saying: "It's B.S, I don't know who made it up. J.R. doesn't even know what's up. It's fake, completely fake."
The singer also explained why she couldn't simply pick up the phone and talk to him, adding: "[The] paparazzi are trying to kill us, otherwise I'd talk."
Meanwhile, Star magazine has made some eye-poppingly hilarious claims about Brit Brit.
The trashy tabloid alleges that the singer has a secret, double-locked, X-rated "fantasy" room in her mansion - filled with ticklers, whips and fur-trimmed handcuffs.
Sounds like a regular Hollywood homestead to me.
But wait, there's more...
One room also features a mirrored ceiling, a glass jar containing spanking paddles and a closet full of kinky outfits, according to an "insider" who just happened to stumble across the den of debauchery.
"She wears Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, a maid's uniform and a Cinderella outfit," says the magazine's mole.
Brit is also reportedly a Marilyn Monroe nut, and wants to have her nose re-shaped so she can look like her idol.
This is the best bit.
The star's home apparently resembles a pig sty - with couches covered in baby doo doo and dog hairs.
Star's source says: "A court-appointed watchdog" is set to declare the place a potential "health hazard".
Oh, and according to Us Weekly Spears tried on underwear in a porn shop and stole a wig. WTF?
Kylie to tour
Despite her reps vehemently denying talk of a Kylie tour next year, I can confirm that the pop pixie will indeed be hitting the road.
But don't set your hopes on Minogue pleasuring her antipodean fans with her dulcet tones - she'll only be performing in Europe.
The pint-sized performer is set to play 24 shows all over Europe, kicking off in Paris on May 6.
Other dates will take in Belfast, Glasgow, Manchester and London.
Kylie said: "I am putting together a show that is going to be a new and exciting experience for both the audience and myself."
"The eclectic mix of sounds on X is affording me an opportunity to explore and develop a new live show that will be fresh, exhilarating and innovative.
"After two celebratory tours, X will be a look to the future but will definitely include favourites alongside the new. I can't wait to share it with you next year! See you soon!"
Dirrty strip
Christina Aguilera has followed in the footsteps of Demi Moore and Britney - by stripping off and posing provocatively to reveal her baby bump on the cover of American Marie Claire magazine.
The Dirrty singer brazenly displays her bulging belly and has nothing but a cropped leather jacket to cover her lady lumps.
In the magazine's interview, Aguilera says the pregnancy was planned, but she didn't expect it to happen so soon.
She says, "We were planning on starting to try after the (Back to Basics) tour (which ended in May of this year). And so, I had gone off the (contraceptive) pill to prepare my body, because I didn't know how much time it would take."
"You've heard it takes some time - except with Power Egg and Super Sperm here. I'm like, 'Oh, my God, can you believe it just happened?'"
Click here to see Aguilera in all her baby bump glory.
Lindsay's singing for her supper
Angelic Lindsay Lohan may be treading the road to redemption, but no movie producer is willing to cast her in a film.
So, the rebab queen is said to be concentrating on resurrecting her music "career", and is about to start work on her contractually obliged third album.
Page Six reports a source at Universal Music Group as saying Lohan will soon be stretching her vocal chords and working on a new album titled Nobody's Angel.
The mole said: "She's only recording because of a contractual obligation to Universal."
The source added: "Lindsay always planned to release a third album."
I'm sure she did.
Having never heard of her first two albums, I'll reserve judgement (believe me, that's painful) until I see the mooted disc of music displeasure.
Fast gossip
Helena Bonham-Carter isn't pretty: Celebrity Baby Scoop
Hayden's boring lesbian fantasies: Hollywood Rag
Is Bond star Daniel Craig engaged? Stupidcelebrities
Makeup Tips from Paris Hilton: Trend911
Amy Winehouse collapses in flood of tears: Rad Report
