Bridezillas at large

Charlene and Mike Wood. Photo / Supplied

A Barbie doll on Duracell batteries, a feisty little tiger, a Bridezilla – these are just a few of the labels slapped on Auckland mum-of-two Charlene Wood, who weds longtime love Mike in TV3's new local show, Hitched.

Featuring the lead-up to "slightly off the radar" weddings, the 10-episode series is full of hiccups and cock-ups, arguments, meltdowns, mothers-in-law from hell, night-before nerves, raunchy hen dos, misplaced rings, and even a last-minute suspected affair.

True train-wreck TV. In Tuesday's first episode, list-obsessed Amanda and mummy's boy Daniel, aka the cringe-inducing "Mr and Mrs Bear", wed – to the blatant disapproval of Dave's mollycoddling mum Greer.

We're also introduced to 30-year-old broadcast technician Mike and "hyper-energetic gym instructor" Charlene, whose second-episode wedding is a shoestring, DIY-style backyard affair.

Charlene is what's known as good talent. Often wearing short shorts, the 29-year-old lets loose expletive-laced temper tantrums over everything from stuffing a chicken to a rogue portaloo. "Her wedding's going to be all class" says Mr Voiceover, a tad unkindly.

Driving to her Panmure house I'm a little apprehensive, not least because Charlene hasn't yet seen the episodes. But in person she's unexpectedly and extremely, er, nice. Friendly, fun and hospitable, especially when it comes to topping up wine glasses, she jokes about trying to get the cameraman drunk and dashes off intermittently to fetch snacks for son Tobin (5) and change 2-year-old Lucan's nappies. With a TV3 publicist there too, it becomes a bit of a girls' night, spanning topics from bra size and babies to Botox.

So, how did this Hawke's Bay-bred hottie get Hitched? Having spied a show-promo leaflet at her gym, Charlene saw a TV3 ad calling for couples while watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. For a laugh, she sent off a creative application: pretending a boat had already been confirmed as the bride-delivery vehicle, and filling in Mike's application form.

Understandably, mellow Mike was apprehensive about his 20 minutes of fame. Says Charlene: "I just told him [we're doing it]."

Why bare your wedding, your life, on TV?

For the freebies.

"We couldn't afford the nice, styley wedding we wanted, but if we put it on TV we could get some little perks." Turns out they bolstered their modest $7000 budget with around $5000 of extras, including a marquee upgrade, a spitroast, two nights at the Crowne Plaza, and a dose of Botox.

The March nuptials were attempt number two for the couple, who'd previously cancelled their wedding because, as Mike admits sheepishly in their first on-camera interview, "we both slipped up".

Closing down this "Pandora's box" interview, Charlene looks visibly nervous. But soon she barely notices the cameras – and by the day of his cricket-watching stag do, neither does Mike. Cue Mr Voiceover: "Seeing balls whacked around only serves to remind him of his beloved". Ouch. "She's the boss mate," admits Mike. "Anything I try and input, I just get kicked in the arse."

Certainly there's a lot of arse-kicking the day before the wedding, when Charlene is stressed and unimpressed by Mike disappearing to pick up a friend, the unclassy-looking piles of alcohol, and an unwanted portaloo that turned up after she'd decorated the inside toilet. Bleep! Bleep!

"Everyone will be happy when you leave, Charlene," says bridesmaid Tracey, who gets points for candour, if not tact. Taking it better than expected, Charlene responds with "F**k you".

But should you see such outbursts in the flesh, you'd know that's just Charlene's way – and usually she's just joking. "People need to never take me seriously," Charlene tells me. "Once they get to know me, they know I don't mean it."

Still, she's sounds slightly startled to find out she's called a "feisty little tiger" in the show. "Shit! That makes me sound like a bitch."

Despite her apparent lack of self-editing, she reckons she was toning herself down for the cameras. "I'm just being myself, but a less sweary version."

Ah. At least they bleeped the swearing.

1 Charlene admits she's a little anxious about how her "foul mouth" will come across on TV.

"I'm worried about being perceived as I'm not, like Hosanna on [New Zealand's Next] Top Model. If they edit me each time with a glass of alcohol, that will probably look bad."

Although we see the start of the hen's night – as a raunchily dressed Charlene wraps her legs around the fireman stripper – most of the alcohol-addled footage ends up on the cutting-room floor. We don't get to watch the hens crashing a Ralph bikini competition at local watering-hole the Landmark Hotel, where Charlene strips to her bikini and bounds up onstage, silly dancing rather than runway strutting. Soon afterwards, the group got kicked out for taking the piss out of the contestants.

"We had to leave: it was either that or we stopped drinking." Later, after karaoke in town, Charlene got so drunk that her friends took her on the reverse bungy ride to make her spew. (It didn't work.) But come the wedding day, the hangovers have worn off, Charlene looks gorgeous, and everything goes surprisingly smoothly. Well, nearly everything.

"I've pissed on my dress!" yells Charlene cheerfully, emerging from the boat's toilet en route to the ceremony. "I was trying not to so many times but I pissed on it, 100 per cent," she tells me. (Luckily there was no stain.)

Hopefully when Charlene watches the show, with friends and family clustered around the TV set, she'll take it all in good humour. For now, she'd do a reality show again – providing there's decent bait.

"Put this in: if anyone's looking for someone to get boobies [implants] on TV, Charlene's your girl."

Meanwhile, nobody could be less like Charlene than the couple sharing the spotlight in episode two: "Christian virgins" Chris and Dave, who've never even kissed after two years together.

"Will they save themselves for the wedding or give in to temptation?" asks Mr Voiceover. I can't wait.

Hitched debuts on TV3, tonight at 8pm, and repeats Saturdays, 4pm.