Braunias on the Bachelorette NZ: Well I got that wrong

Lesina Nakhid-Schuster from The Bachelorette NZ. Photo / supplied

As the longest-running TV show of all times reaches somewhere around its
half-way mark, and a nation prepares for another 17,034 weeks of The Bachelorette, I thought it might be a good time to acknowledge a few things
I've got horribly wrong about the dating show in which contestants compete
for the enduring love of two women who they spend a few minutes with every
now and then.

1. Claims it was getting "interesting".

This bizarre remark was made in my review of Sunday night's show. In my
defence, it was quite a good episode.

The show is at its best when it ignores the tedious mechanics of dating
Hottie Lesina and Hottie Lily, and studies the complex anthropologies of men
held together in the captivity of a nice apartment in Buenos Aires. The
contestants put more energy and wit into their dealings with each other than
with the two bachelorettes.

Sunday night's show had the drama of an attempted peace summit. It wasn't
very peaceful.

But last night's show resumed normal service. Someone cut their hand. It was
another nice day in Buenos Aires. No one got eliminated. It fell short of all measured and established criteria that qualify something as "interesting".

2. Claims there were only 10 contestants left.

I wrote this in my review of Monday night's show. In my defence, it came from a
good place. I wrote it in hope more than anything else. Ten felt like the
show was getting somewhere.

But I forgot Logan and Quinn, and possibly one or two others as well, which
makes me wonder whether the producers have done the same thing and that
right now there's a forgotten contestant, some handsome tattooed wretch,
lost in the jungles of Argentina. One day he'll be found and there'll be a
huge story about the bachelor who time, and everyone else, forgot.

It could be quite interesting.

3. Claims that Glenn was still in the show.

I wrote this when the contestants were first told the news they were going
to Buenos Aires; there was a preview of the following night's show, and I
wrote that I saw Glenn among the other bachelors. In my defence, it came
from a good place. I wrote it in desperation more than anything else.

We see the mirage of an oasis in the desert because we want to see an oasis
in the desert. I formed the illusion of Glenn - scornful, derisive, pushy,
sensitive, ambitious, a lone wolf, a gangsta for love - because he was super
interesting. #bringbackglenn

4. Claims that the literary model for the show was Lord of the Flies.

Again, this was based on an understanding that The Bachelorette is at its
best when it examines the strains and bloodlusts of male-only societies. But
last night's show featured Lesina and Richie taking a guided tour of a
building based on that literary masterpiece, and the actual template for The Bachelor, Dante's Inferno.

The tour guide took them to the second circle of Hell, reserved for those
who commit the sin of lust. "I came into a place," Dante writes, "mute of
all light."

What a lovely description of darkness and despair. What an apt description
of The Bachelorette.

The Bachelorette NZ scfreens on TV2