KEY POINTS:
Fevered news reports that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got married yesterday have been exposed as a big fat lie.
Rumors surfaced that the baby-friendly pair had secretly tied the knot during an intimate wedding ceremony in the couple's adopted city of New Orleans, Louisiana on Saturday afternoon (Sun NZT).
The source of the sensational claims, one guilty Star magazine, spouted that the pair made their union official during a low-key, secret ceremony.
Turns out the 'news' was complete and utter cobblers.
Brangelina weren't even in New Orleans at the time the nuptials were allegedly taking place.
Several sources have now crawled out of the woodwork and rubbished the magazine's claims. One tells People.com that the rumours are "complete and total bulls**t," and that, "they aren't even in New Orleans".
And the bloke who was alleged to have joined the pair in holy matrimony has also put the kibosh on the wedding fable.
Reverend Anthony Talavera, proprietor of the French Quarter Wedding Chapel in New Orleans, where the wedding was rumored to have taken place, says: "Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were not married in our chapel. Period. I've never even met them."
He even goes on to say that Star magazine was so desperate to speak to him about the wedding; they allegedly offered him money for an interview.
"Star magazine offered me $3000 for an interview, and I turned them down," he says. "I would never divulge any information about any of our clients for money."
And in an embarrassing about face, Star has just retracted their initial report and has published this gem on their website:
"Sources in a position to have information regarding a secret wedding ceremony between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had confirmed to Star that the couple married in the French Quarter Wedding Chapel on Saturday, March 29. "There were two weddings, one planned and one unplanned," one source told Star. "Brad and Angelina's was the planned ceremony. The weather wasn't good, so we were indoors."
"After further investigation, the sources are not standing by their story. Brad and Angelina's reps have not commented."
Erm, I think that you'll find that they have:
Brad Pitt's rep said she had "no idea" if the rumors were true or not.
This is absolute bull**** of the highest order - I'm talking free range poo here.
Suspending your disbelief is often a prerequisite when you're sifting through celebrity gossip - but completely manufacturing a story is not on. Hell, even the National Enquirer is a more credible news source these days!
Jamie Lynn's baby bump
Jamie Lynn Spears is ballooning and definitely pregnant. It's not wind. No Siree.
Oooh, wanna see Jamie Lynne Spears' baby register?
Click here to see what the teenage sperm vampire wants you to buy for her unborn sprog.
I've had a quick scan to see what I could get her. It's a toss-up between the Duracell batteries (eh?) and the $750 pram. Yeah, right!
Cheeky mare - surely she can afford that stuff herself?
Time hasn't been kind to...
Jack Nicholson. I doubt the legendary lothario could woo a nubile vixen nowadays with these hideous man boobs.
They say it all goes south when you age. They weren't kidding.
This is just too weird...
A bloke from Ohio has been charged with four counts of public indecency after he admitted to having sex with his patio picnic table.
Here's a mugshot of the oversexed freak.
Arthur Price, 40, confessed to repeatedly having it off with the table between January and March of this year.
Police in Huron County, Ohio, were handed three DVDs by a snitch, and they reportedly show Price getting his freak on with a metal round table on his deck.
According to police, Price admitted that he had sex with the picnic table both inside and outside his home.
Price is now free on a $20,000 bond.
Genius.
Back to Bond?
Is Sir Sean Connery hinting in a not-so-subtle way that he's about to cameo in the upcoming James Bond flick?
The ageing Bond veteran says he would consider reprising his most famous role - but only if he gets to play a baddie.
He says, "I wouldn't mind coming back as a Bond villain. But I don't think they would pay me enough.
"They don't pay the money for other parts, only for the Bond character, although that wasn't the case when I was doing it".
Source: femalefirst.co.uk
Empire strikes back
Paris Hilton is fed up of her reputation as a lady of leisure/waste of space.
Hilton insists that she's had to battle through years of bad press in order to create her own "empire".
Wow, such modesty is commendable.
Hilton also says that she's not fazed by the "lies" that are printed about her, because she knows she's "worked hard" to reach the top.
She says, "I don't pay attention to lies because I am a good person. I work very hard and I've built this empire on my own. I think this is an inspiration for a lot of girls out there."
Fabulous. I too want to be like Paris Hilton when I grow up: rich, care-free and completely in denial.
But wait, WTF is going on with Hilton's trotters? Click here if you want to feel sick.
I did warn you.
Stuffed turkey
Buffy star Sarah Michelle Gellar says she was too flaked out to perform a sex scene for her 2006 movie Southland Tales - because she had just feasted on turkey.
Gellar played a porn chick in the movie, but came a cropper when she was asked to take part in an intimate scene, because all she wanted to do was sleep.
Gellar reportedly gorged on a huge Thanksgiving meal of turkey - which supposedly contains some ingredient that makes you lethargic.
She tells Maxim magazine, "For a porn star, I didn't get much action. I filmed a love scene on Thanksgiving, and I had eaten all this turkey and mashed potatoes and was like, 'I seriously have to film a sex scene right now?' "I was so tired from all the tryptophan (an amino acid in turkey that makes you sleepy) that I just wanted to sleep."
This is gold
There's a great deal to be said for indulging in a fit of the giggles. But there's a time and place for it - probably not when you're announcing someone's death, though.
Listen to this clip of a BBC Radio 4 newsreader that got a serious case of the giggles during a news bulleting last week.
After playing a dodgy sound clip of the oldest recorded human voice, she lost the plot and giggled her way through the next item - announcing the very sad death of screenwriter Abby Mann.
And so is this...
This Sky newsreader gets his words ever-so-slightly muddled-up live on air.
All it took was three seemingly innocuous words to bring the house down:
Seal. Cull. Hunt.
Exactly.
Warning: This clip contains swearing. You have been warned.
Clip here
Repeat after me: Seal cull hunt, seal cull hunt...
Get a room!
Christina Aguilera is living up to her Dirrty reputation.
Word has it that Aguilera has definitely not lost any of her mojo since giving birth to baby Max in January.
Star magazine (yes, exactly) reports that the singer and her hubby, Jordan Bratman, are waking up the neighborhood with their raucous sex noises, and general loud lampoonery in their swimming pool.
A source tells the mag: "They don't just splash around - they laugh, scream, swear and make sexy noises. We're happy that they're happy, but we wish they'd keep it down a bit. There are a lot of old people who live around here, and they don't like noise after the dinner hour."
The dirty devils.
Guess who?
The News of The World reports that a Hollywood A-lister is about to be outed:
An A-lister star of Hollywood will be outed next week, I can reveal.
This particular actor is known as a bit of a ladies man but in fact, he really has a secret eye for the fellas.
My man in LA told me: "This guy is not married. He's been out with many women but has been seeing men too.
"A US mag is revealing it next week which will send Hollywood into overdrive."
Ledger's love child?
Seriously, when will they stop airing out the skeletons in Heath Ledger's closet?
Not content with embellishing tales of woe over the alleged mishandling of the late actor's estate, news purveyors are now saying that Ledger might have a love child, too.
Read all about it here
Kevin Federline: "I still love Britney"
A lot of dirty water has passed under the proverbial bridge since Kevin Federline and hurricane Britney split, but it seems lovelorn Fed is till sweet on the troubled singer.
K-Fed has reportedly revealed that despite the bad blood between them, he still loves her.
"I still love Britney. She's the mother of my children," Federline, 30, said.
"I spend the day chasing my kids around the house. Their needs define my daily schedule," he adds.
What's more, Britney's dad, Jamie Spears, is said to be keen for the warring couple to get back together.
Quote of the day
"I've done too many stupid things for there not to be movies made about me when I'm dead, so I might as well write the script." - George Michael, explains his reasons behind writing a tell-all book.
Virgin' on the ridiculous
Honestly, Madonna is getting dull in her old age.
Having punched out a string of hits during her 25-year-long career, the old grump has now declared that she can no longer bring herself to sings gems such as Like a Virgin or Holiday - the very songs that helped established her as a household name.
I know having a 50-year-old mother of three singing about "virginity" is a bit dodgy, but come on love, sing us your hits!
Madge says: "I'm not sure I can sing Holiday or Like a Virgin ever again.
"I just can't - unless somebody paid me like $30 million or something. [Like if]?some Russian guy wants me to come to the wedding he's going to have to a 17-year-old, you know it."
And in the same breath, blabby Madonna wants the media to "step off" Britney Spears. WTF does "Step off" mean? Is she insinuating that I've somehow trodden on the pop wreck? Love, no chance - I've scraped better things off my shoe.
Madge thinks we should all "go save her".
"For real - Let's go save her."
Fill your boots, Madge.
Eurovision turkey
Here lies the twitching corpse of the Eurovision Song contest.
Ireland's song entry is sung by a demented turkey puppet. FFS.
Irelande, Douze Points!
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Fast gossip
Give me five minutes and I'll tell you everything...
* Hulk Hogan has a new broad: GH
* Barack Obama on 'The View': CS
* Sienna Miller will do anything to escape the paparazzi: RR
* Check out the new X-Files 2 poster: SOW
* Jennifer Lopez's nursery is a death trap: Pink is the New Blog
* Angie Jolie's twins are too heavy: Hollywood Rag
* Poison drummer arrested on rape warrant: CWS
* George Clooney's girlfriend has a slutty past: Cele|bitchy
* Hilary Duff is still trying too hard to be famous: Egotastic
* Celebs with bad skin? Dlisted
CNN: Heath Ledger's Joker may be biggest posthumous role: CNN
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