KEY POINTS:
When they said she'll ruffle feathers, my friend - let's call her Polly - never thought they meant hers. Not only is her perfect rhinoplasty nose figuratively out of joint, but so is her rolodex.
"They were my friends first," Polly spat, literally, through a large swill of
Viognier. "They wouldn't have looked twice at her if I hadn't introduced her to everyone. Now she thinks she's a somebody. Well, she's not getting away with stealing my friends," she squawked emphatically, tinged ever-so-slightly with a hint of social outcast worry.
Welcome to the world of the social cuckoo - also known as the comrade rustler; the pal pincher; the buddy boiler. All terms familiar to those who toil in the high risk stakes of fickle friend introductions. It's a bitch-eat-bitch world and the winner takes home more than the title of Best in Show. Popularity is the least of it. It's not just winning friends over (other people's friends, that is) - it's stealing social lives.
And don't go thinking it's not happening to a fair-weathered friendship near you. It's everywhere. And it came to my attention last week at that most social climbing of events: the ritzy charity gala ball. This is a true story.
A well-endowed blonde - let's call her Stolly - commented, troublesomely, as to why there were two empty seats at the table. Hoping, as any good underminer would, that the toffs had tiffed, Stolly was fake-shocked to discover it was something infinitely more fickle.
"She saw my white cocktail dress when we arrived to pick them up," piped Holly (not her real name) offering by way of an explanation, "but she" - let's call her Trolley - "refused to come at the last minute because she was wearing white too."
Stolly and Holly then traded Trolley barbs, with Stolly insisting her life had turned into the social equivalent of Single White Female with her clothes, her friends, even her fringe, being copied down to the last chopped follicle. Weird huh? Trolley had turned into a Stolly dolly, apparently. And the mimicry had long past the point of flattery.
Social cuckoos like Trolley fly in out of nowhere like stealth birds, swooping in on the network of nests and making them home. Before you notice it, their harmless, friendly and innocuous manner (hence cuckoos) is enough to get them a pedicured toe in the door, and a parasitic latch onto social friendships - yours.
What's the big deal, you ask? A fear of being left behind or out-shone, for starters. It's no secret females experience complicated love-hate relationships with mixed feelings of support and antagonism. The hate part invariably equals insecurity and envy at some level.
Like Paris Hilton (pictured above) and Nicole Richie, or Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag we can go from BFFs to bitch fights and back again, without so much as blubbering through our mascara.
Do we hold a frenemy gene that men - heterosexual men especially - instinctly lack? Or do we just invest so much into our relationships that we're prepared to weather the storms and salvage the wreck when the friendship floats out to sea a bit?
One thing I know for sure is that fickle friends aren't just the domain of the flighty Hollywood starlet. Whether you admit it or not, most friendships - female in particular - hold some degree of insincerity no matter how solid or tentative the relationship may be. That's largely because we're complicated and culturally competitive, and we feel ashamed if we don't harbour feelings of love and support only. So, on the mate manual index, we've compilated a few fickle friend personalities - which one are you?
THE MATE MANUAL - on the fickle scale, what kind of friend are you?
1. The social cuckoo - steals someone else's social life/style/haircut/husband.
2. The frenemy underminer - smiling assassin with the ever-ready knife at the back.
3. The good time gal - only there for the fun times and the parties.
4. The ladder - bestie to the bosses in the office in the hope of advancement (otherwise known as career whore).
5. The chummy yummy mummy - power-walking pushchair pals with nothing in common, but spawn.
6. The period - finishes your sentences and always has to have the last comment, as in period.
7. The graver - 40-something-year-old raver who wants to be 29 again and won't accept younger pals of pals into the gang.
8. The praiser - always gushing compliments, especially when undeserved. (NB. would never say: "Yes, your arse really does look fat in that, you heifer. March back to the wardrobe, now.")
9. The warrior - highly polished corporate who feels the need to win every battle, without breaking an acrylic nail.
10. The vanisher - there while the money is around, but should the fancy cars, holiday homes, and social standing disappear (heaven forbid) so too will the friendship.
Hip-hop star to sing for ABs
It's all excitement plus on the All Blacks front this week as Spy learned MTV superstar Lil Jon has specifically asked All Blacks management for permission to write a crunk song for the team.
The multi-millionaire American superstar was so impressed with the national rugby team on his visit to Christchurch for MTV's Snow Jam gig last month, he followed up with personal phone calls to AB management last week offering to write a song.
It doesn't get much cooler than that. Apparently he's hoping it will be played around stadiums when the ABs take to the field to perform the haka.
Bringing home the dogs
Comedian Bill Bailey from Black Books fame performed a sold-out show in Auckland last week with Kiwi fan Neil Finn in the audience. Finn and the Brit-born comic are mates, and the funny man - who is also a classically-trained musician - uses the singer-songwriter's Parnell music studio for recording sessions.
Bailey is also rather philanthropic, Spy understands. So kind-hearted apparently, he rivals Good Samaritan Angelina in the adopt-from-Asia-stakes - only he's less kids, more mutts.
On a trip to the Bali markets one vacation, he was so incensed when he found three dogs jailed in cages, he immediately bought them and paid to fly them back to Britain.
They live with him in Chiswick, London, alongside another pooch and a pet chameleon who resides in the bathroom, apparently frightening the life out of guests who nip in to relieve themselves.
Circus charity gala
The Fire and Ice Gala dinner for the Breast Cancer Research Trust was held recently at The Langham. Click here for photos by Norrie Montgomery.
Rachel Glucina
AP Photo / Dan Steinberg
