Anastasia Steele played by Dakota Johnson in the film adaptation of the novel Fifty Shades of Grey.
Anastasia Steele played by Dakota Johnson in the film adaptation of the novel Fifty Shades of Grey.
We’re looking back at our columnists most popular pieces from 2015. Today, the highly anticipated film Fifty Shades of Grey has been unleashed on New Zealand. Dominic Corry takes a peek at some of the cringiest sex scenes shown on the big screen.
As I write this, I have not yet seen Fifty Shades of Grey, the breathlessly anticipated film adaptation of the fan fiction-derived publishing phenomenon which hits cinemas all around the globe this week.
Even in the unlikely event that it ends up being the classiest mainstream sex drama since say, Philip Kaufman's Henry & June (1990) or Jean-Jacques Beineix's Betty Blue (1986), I am reasonably confident there will be plenty of cringe-inducing moments. Especially during the sex scenes.
To celebrate my presumption, I am going to cite here my favourite cringey movie sex scenes from the past few decades.
Best to start off with the most legendarily cringey sex scene in cinema history, the squirm-inducing nightmare by which all other cringey sex scenes are judged. I am of course referring to Kyle Maclachlan and Elizabeth Berkley's furious pool-based romp in Paul Verhoeven's infamous 1995 camp classic Showgirls. In a wonderful demonstration of the kind of ridiculous movie passion that is all but gone from modern cinema (shall we blame the internet?), the pair thrash about endlessly like very unsexy sea lions as a water feature rains down upon them.
A scene from the movie Showgirls.
The scene deserves extra credit for standing out amongst all the other crazy things happening in Showgirls - the stair-pushing, the hair-pulling, the angry chip-eating. This is truly Verhoeven's sexiest hour.
If this Sex Scene Was A Romance Novel, It Would Be Called:Still Waters Splash Big
Colour of Night (1994)
Coming a close second in the narrow field of sexual cinematic swimming pool shenanigans (see also: The Secret of My Success) is a scene from this hilarious Bruce Willis howler in which he plays a psychiatrist investigating his friend's murder. Jane March - who previously starred in the don't-watch-it-with-your-parents sexy arthouse drama The Lover (1992), not altogether un-cringey itself - plays the mysterious and (spoiler!) boy-ish vixen with whom Bruce begins a passionate affair.
A scene from the movie Colour of Night.
They hump endlessly, most infamously, and cringe-inducingly, in the pool, where Willis and March's lack of anything resembling chemistry is laid bare. Witnessing this scene cannot help but conjure up the thought of an aged chimpanzee pawing at a carrot.
If this Sex Scene Was A Romance Novel, It Would Be Called:Die Soft
Body of Evidence (1993)
Like Colour of Night, Body of Evidence arrived amongst the glut of post-Basic Instinct would-be erotic thrillers which sought to replicate the success of Paul Verhoeven's popular Michael Douglas/Sharon Stone starrer. It was a glorious time for cringey sex scenes. (See also: Jade, Traces of Red, Sliver, Indecent Proposal, Disclosure)
A scene from the movie Body of Evidence.
In this, the most shameless of all the Basic Instinct rip-offs, Willem Dafoe plays a defence attorney whose latest client is a mysterious vixen (played by Madonna!) accused of killing her older lover. With sex!
If this Sex Scene Was A Romance Novel It Would Be Called:Desperately Waxing Willem
