Ben Mack: The mysteries of Kiwi television

Viarni Bright and Zac Franich, the winning couple from season three of The Bachelor New Zealand. Photo / supplied

Here's one thing I've noticed about living overseas: you can learn a lot about a country's culture by watching TV.

Really, you can. For example, when I was living in Sweden, I learned about proper barbecue etiquette by watching a show where a bearded man with a striped shirt salted a fish for some reason, before inexplicably sprinkling what appeared to be lemon juice on top. While living in Germany, there was a whole channel that literally showed nothing but the feed from a camera attached to the front of a train, accompanied by a thumping techno soundtrack. While I have no idea what the purpose of any of it was, I did learn what all the different metro stations looked like before I'd actually visited any of them, which I suppose would've come in handy if there was a fire or something (I have to say, I thought the music was pretty good, too).

So when I came to Aotearoa, I had high hopes. Maybe there'd be a show that would educate people about how to identify the various types of flightless birds native to the Land of the Long White Cloud, I thought. Or maybe there'd be something that showed what typical Kiwi culture was like, such as a Big Bang Theory-style sitcom set in Wellington or a small-town police procedural taking place in Southland. Or, maybe, there'd be an awesome drama based on famous Maori legends, complete with stunning set pieces and actors speaking te reo (you know, like Game of Thrones, but with fewer dragons and less incest). With so many big-budget Hollywood blockbusters shot here, I assumed the TV would be of an equally high quality in terms of both its production value and the number of different shows.

Imagine my surprise when I came upon... well, all of it, really.

The hosts of New Zealand's Next Top Model. Photo / supplied

First it was New Zealand's Next Top Model. The entire experience was nothing short of baffling. I didn't understand much of anything that was going on, like why Tyra Banks had been replaced by a person who was not Tyra Banks. I mean, the host seemed OK, but he was not Tyra Banks.

Alright, so the trials and tribulations of aspiring supermodels weren't for me. But The Real Housewives of Auckland was even more flummoxing. Not only did the show seem to be one long advert for various restaurants I'd never be able to afford so much as a flat white at, but the accents of the titular housewives were all but impossible for my non-Antipodean self to understand a word of; the last time I was so confused, I woke up in the back of a minibus somewhere in eastern Turkey with no immediate recollection of how I'd ended up there.

And then there was The Bachelor New Zealand. I really have no idea why it first became popular in the United States, much less why there's a New Zealand version of it. And I have even less of an idea as to why it's been on for three seasons.

Seriously, what's up with New Zealand television being chock-full of bizarre remakes of shows that were big in America about a decade ago, like the current Survivor craze? Is the whole country some kind of giant time machine, transporting anyone who sets foot in Aotearoa back to 2007?

The season three bachelorettes at the 'Women Tell All' episode of The Bachelor New Zealand. Photo / supplied

Perhaps I'm being too harsh in my judgments. After all, there are original programmes - like Shortland Street, Outrageous Fortune, Filthy Rich, Westside, and Auckward Love - that are very "Kiwi", and from which I've learned quite a few things about the culture here (like that New Zealanders sometimes send pictures of things they shouldn't, just like everyone else).

I think the real reason for my frustration with New Zealand television is that I've been looking at the whole thing wrong. Or, rather, I haven't been as open-minded as I should be.

As we all know, modern-day Aotearoa is a blend of a bunch of different cultures. So, naturally, TV will also reflect that. If that includes importing reality show franchises from overseas and putting a local twist on them, then that's simply what the culture is. It's not "good" or "bad" - it just is.

Now that I think about it, I guess I'd been blocking out the fact that German TV wasn't all original programming, either. In addition to entire localised channels like MTV Germany and Cartoon Network, Deutschland also had Fernsehserie ("television series") including The Voice of Germany and Germany's Next Top Model, as well as local versions of Survivor, Big Brother, and X Factor.

And Kiwi TV could be stranger, too. After all, this could be Norway. Fun fact: one of the most popular TV shows ever there was a 12-hour broadcast of logs burning in a fireplace.

I kid you not.