Still from the Seinfeld episode 'The Strike' shows Frank Costanza with his decorative Festivus pole.
Still from the Seinfeld episode 'The Strike' shows Frank Costanza with his decorative Festivus pole.
'tis the season to be jolly. Jolly annoyed that is.
With all the forced merriment of the festive season and the compulsory stuff you have to endure, like office Christmas parties, Secret Santa nonsense, the dread of upcoming mandatory family/in-law visits, and the ludicrous bombardment of snow themed advertising during days of sweltering heat, it'd be far more surprising if Christmas didn't get on your nerves.
So, fellow Grinches, if you've had enough and think 'bah humbug! to the whole deal, here's the ultimate Xmas survival guide to help get you through.
Bah Humbug!
DECORATE: To properly Grinch it up you're going to need decoration. Taking inspiration from the Seinfeld episode The Strike we've opted for the blunt cold beauty of an unadorned aluminium pole. This classic episode introduced the holiday of Festivus, the Costanza family's anti-Christmas tradition. You can appropriate any of the Festivus traditions (the Airing of Grievances perhaps?) but it's the decorative aspect of the holiday we're embracing here. Because what says "stuff Xmas" better than a butt ugly steel pole obnoxiously erect in your lounge. Readily available at big hardware stores who will cut to measure.
WATCH: There's plenty of schmaltzy "true meaning of Christmas" movies out there to sneer your way through, but why not embrace movies that do that for you? The anti-Christmas classic is Bad Santa, which follows a drunk, criminal mall Santa Claus, and we won't blame you for sticking with that. But why settle for a classic when you could instead watch the best ever Christmas movie of all time?
Yep, we're talkin' about Bruce Willis' action masterpiece Die Hard. What? You didn't realise Die Hard was a Christmas film? Of course it is. It takes place on Christmas Eve for elves sake! So Yippee-Ki-Yay, mother Christmas. Of course Die Hard, brilliant as it is, sadly isn't entirely suitable for younger family members. So if you have kids but still want to get your Grinch on then your only real choice is to frighten the bejesus out of them by screening the children's Christmas classic Gremlins.
LISTEN: Do they know it's Christmas? Not if you don't spin mall worthy saccharine carols they don't. Sure, you could just play "normal" music, but that's not really in the spirit. The Vandals 1996 holiday album Oi to the World is a joyous blast of Xmas themed, authentic Cali-punk. Songs like A Gun for Christmas and Thanx for Nothing (sample lyric: 'fa-la-la-la-la / thanx for nothing / F**k you!') really allow you to embrace your annoyance with Xmas. Not only is the record dripping in Grinchy festive spirit but it's obnoxious punky 'tude is guaranteed to annoy the neighbours if you crank it.
Cover of Snoop Dogg's 2008 Christmas album, 'Christmas in the Dogghouse'.
If hip-hop's more your bag then Snoop Dogg's got you covered. His 2008 compilation Christmas in the Dogghouse will get your sub's shaking. There's no denying the sound of the album has aged a little, but still, its street rhymes, hard hitting beats and booming 808 kicks will ensure your Christmas is ghetto fabulous. Ho-ho-hizzle.
EAT: Even the grinchiest Grinch who ever grinched will grinchily admit that festive food is damn good. You could go opposites by eating salad instead of the traditional Christmas ham, but that hardly feels like much of a win.
When it comes to food the old saying we adhere to the old saying, "if you can't beat 'em, then join 'em".
GIVE: Nothing. True Grinch's don't do gifts. But you'll most likely have to give someone something. You want to spend as little time as possible facing the madness of Christmas crowds so work smarter, not harder and buy vouchers. But only for the people you absolutely have to.
