Art Green has some questions to answer. Photo/Instagram
Art Green has some questions to answer. Photo/Instagram
Opinion by
The dust has settled, the final rose has been given and Matilda Rice has won Art Green's heart. But Verity Johnson has some key questions for the star of The Bachelor NZ ...
1. He's hot, but the series didn't do sex until the very end, so ...
2. ... what would we actually, you know, talk about on a date? Lifting? Protein powder? This conveniently placed, moderately ugly, horrifically overpriced jewellery item?
The ring Art Green gave Matilda Rice when she won The Bachelor NZ.
3. What did Art actually do again? Everyone kept saying he's in business. But that's not a job - that's what students say when they've got no idea what they want to do in life and old people ask them their plans.
4. He's got style, humour, and a lot of experience ... can Ken be the next Bachelor? Is anyone else a believer in it doesn't matter how saggy you are as long as you're interesting?
5. Hands up if you thought bodily functions were the key selling point of this series?
6. No actually. That fart was awesome. The farting Koala was awesomer.
Is it these flashes of reality that give the series its inexplicable appeal?
Because it's definitely not the dialogue.
7. I'll be honest, it's a bit like a drunk KFC run. You know it's shit ... but you still want to get into it. Could they be the new sponsors?
8. Speaking of sponsors - did anyone else drink whenever a gratuitous sparkly thing was whipped out? You get more shitfaced than a night out with Keith Richards, a litre of anti freeze and the entire Irish rugby team.
9. Where does Art buy his T-shirts? Pumpkin Patch?
10. No seriously. They're so tight they must have crushed his colon and made him unable to digest complex carbohydrate chains. Is that why he's Paleo?
11. But you know ... don't stop wearing them, yeah?
12. Why was it such a deal if the chicks were married before? That's modern relationships for you. This is The Bachelor in 2015. Not 1642's box office hit "Thou Shalt Find Me a Virgin Maid".
13. Art, you seem nice, if slightly limited in the vocabulary department ... so why are you cool with making 21 women fall in love with you, compete for you and then publicly crushing their dreams?
14. Seriously. Bread's evil. But selling heartbreak isn't?
Art Green shows off his form in the gym. Photo/Instagram
15. Can you take Matilda's last name? Then you would be Art Rice. You'd sound like a 1980s post punk Japanese inspired lesbian Iranian synth band who only wear black and play the lute.
16. Or you'd sound like Gwenyeth Paltrow's latest baby. Tempted?
17. This isn't a show about love is it? This is an advert for the upcoming show, Auckland's-Best-Examples-of-Interior-Design-That-You-Peasants-Will-Never-Be Able-To-Afford-So-Go-And-Crack-Open-Another-Lindauer-And-Drink-To-The Futility-Of-Capitalist-Dreams.
18. Do I have time to do my washing before you guys break up?
19. Sorry, that's mean. I just want to know whether you're actually in love with this person? Or if it's a cocktail of glamour, fame, stunning genetics and the easy hetero normative fairy tale narrative that forms your attraction?
20. If it's actually legit, good on you. Would you like a stake for my cynical heart?
21. If it's not, would you like a contact at the Herald?
