They spend hours with your child each day, but no - it’s not school. At school, there
are other kids, teachers and parents around. The parent I’m talking about only hangs out one-on-one.
They’re teaching your child what’s right and wrong, but no - it’s not the Government. You can find out what the Government’s teaching your child. The parent I’m talking about is a black box.
Your child’s third parent is a guy called AL.
First Name: AL
Middle name: Go
Last name: Rhythm
Al Go Rhythm (algorithm) is around 24 years old - a similar age to the Red-Bull-guzzling, hoodie-wearing, Silicon Valley techies who created him and who determine how he parents your child.
AL is whose dinner table your child goes to when they pull out the iPad at yours. AL is whose two-hour lecture your child listens to in their bedroom, after reluctantly hearing your 10-minute rant on the drive home.
He has co-parent level influence. After all, he spends a lot of time with your child, perhaps even more than you do.
In 2023, a Gallup survey found United States teens spend an average of 4.8 hours per day on algorithm-driven, social media platforms. AL sways your child’s aspirations too.
In 2020, a report by the New Zealand Tertiary Education Commission found that “Social media/YouTuber/Influencer” was the second most desired career for boys aged 7 to13 in New Zealand, and the fifth most desired career for girls aged 7 to13.
Although, that research tells us nothing about what kind of influencer they’re aspiring to be when they say that. AL gets to decide this crucial detail through the role models he puts in front of them.
You must be wondering then: How does AL make decisions like that? What’s your co-parent’s ultimate parenting goal? It’s to show your child whatever content is necessary to make the most advertising revenue from their attention.
And wait ‘til you hear his parenting strategy… it’s something like: “Always give the child more of what they want. Always cater to their short-term emotions over their long-term interests”.
AL gives your child the psychological equivalent of a lolly-only diet.
So what can you do about this? A common response is to try to eliminate screen time - but you’re already chipping away at that. And deep down, you know AL’s here to stay, right?
The best you can do then is create a more proactive co-parenting arrangement.
First, where possible, all parents should demand changes from media platforms and regulators. You’ll never be able to call AL up and ask him how he’s parenting your child. But shouldn’t platforms like TikTok, YouTube and Instagram have to at least provide a summary?
What are AL’s favorite talking points right now? Which ones are “out of bounds?”
What other role models is he bringing into the picture? How will you be notified if things start going south?
If media platforms can comply with GDPR (Europe’s General Data Protection Regulation), write 15-page Terms of Service and practically read our minds just to show relevant ads - surely they can provide some basic transparency to you, their co-parent.
A good start would be a mandatory, live document that summarises how their algorithms work, a weekly report on the content your child’s algorithm is favouring at any moment, and some settings you can customise to nudge that content in the direction of your choosing.
But you know those things aren’t happening anytime soon, so let’s talk about what you can change when your child gets home from school. You can educate them.
You can teach them who AL Go Rhythm is, what he cares about and how he works.
There’s a lot to this, and it warrants another piece, but here are three key messages that every child should understand.
- AL wants your attention more than anything else. And he’s really, really good at getting it. He learned this skill from his parents - some of the smartest data scientists, software engineers, and behavioral psychologists in the world. They’re paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend all day teaching AL how your brain works and how to hack into it to get your attention.
- The things that get AL the attention he wants are not always “true” or “good” - they’re usually “OMG” or “WTF”. So take what he’s saying with a grain of salt, even when he’s triggered your emotions.
- AL is learning from your every move. He’s counting the seconds you spend watching one thing over another, he’s writing down what you “like” and what you comment on, and he uses that information to decide what to show you next. This is one of his powers for keeping your attention, but it’s also one of your powers for making him a more positive influence in your life. If you’re careful about what content you give attention to, you can coach AL on what you’d like him to show you more of.
So, here’s where all this leaves you, the parent.
You’re stuck in joint custody with someone who’s a bit of a maniac, but only when he’s left unchecked. You can’t make AL leave, but you can expect more transparency from him and you can educate your child on his parenting style.
You’re in a three-parent family from now on. It’s time to make co-parenting work.
