I'm not sure how to view Donald Trump's presidency. Does it represent the last throes of liberal democracy or a new frontier in immersive theatre? Or could it be that we, the entire human population, have been automatically enrolled in a four-year management course?
Think about it. On atraditional MBA, you learn the skills to compete in business, but have to mingle with shiny-teethed uber-achievers who think that sleep is a curable disease. On the Trump MBA, we're covering all the key topics, without leaving our living rooms.
There have been modules on staffing and recruitment (majoring on unexpected vacancies), tax optimisation (through legislation) and mergers and acquisitions (case study: Greenland). It's the mass learning programme of the future; I assume Peter Thiel — the thin-skinned tech bro who pays people to drop out of university — is involved.
The current module of the Trump MBA is one of the most inspiring yet. The subject is "managing up". The case study is set in the hospitality industry. Washington has dozens of five-star venues. But when attorney-general Bill Barr booked his family holiday party, he managed to choose one owned by his boss, Trump! What are the chances?
Similarly, Ireland has more than 800 hotels. But when Mike Pence, the US vice-president, visited the country, he also managed to book the only one owned by Trump. So lightning really does strike twice. Pence believes in the principle of "servant leadership". "It's not about what I want to do, it's about where I am needed most," he said back in 2011. Clearly the answer is at Trump's Doonbeg golf course, where bed and breakfast costs up to €820 ($1,426) a night. Doonbeg advertises itself as a "haven to golf enthusiasts, city-escapees, families, and surfers alike" — it doesn't seem the obvious choice for a two-day business trip.
US vice-president Mike Pence. Photo / AP
Pence wanted to suck up to his boss. But his bootlicking backfired. First, he looked weak. An aide explained that the idea to stay at Doonbeg came from Trump — but it was a "suggestion", not a "command". Which only raises the question: what would the vice-president do if it were a command?
Second, he looked inefficient. Doonbeg is on the Atlantic coast, 180 miles from his meetings in Dublin. So he wasted several hours travelling. If a regular employee's time were this expendable, you'd fire them. I know Pence's main job is to persuade liberals that there could be a worse president than Trump. But surely he has demands on his diary? Joe Biden used to take the train from his Washington home to Delaware every night when he was a senator — and we know what Trump thinks of him.
Third, Pence showed no initiative. "I'd love to stay at your golf course," he could have told Trump. "But I have a better idea. Why don't I — and my taxpayer-funded entourage — stay at a rival Dublin golf course, then leave one-star reviews on TripAdvisor?" For all these reasons, I fear Pence won't feature in the Trump MBA module on succession planning.
As for the president, his group will pocket a reported US$30,000 ($46,882) from Barr's party, plus thousands more from Pence's stay. Nice work, you might think. Actually he should have known his customer better. Thanks to weak ethics laws, the American taxpayer is the most price-inelastic of consumers. One man's corruption is another's shareholder value. Why was Trump charging Pence less than €900 for a room? He left money on the table.
Back in the real world, many workers are tempted to suck up. But flattery is the last resort of the failing employee. If you're doing your job well, you don't need to shed your dignity on the way to the office. Team Trump has provided another invaluable lesson to us all. As always, it's an example of what not to do.
