The Ex-Files with Jeremy Sutton: How to handle the post-Christmas divorce

Tensions can rise during the holiday period and sometimes lead to unfortunate endings.

People see January 1 as an opportunity to analyse their lives and change what no longer makes them happy. Sometimes, that’s their spouse or partner.

If you think you’re heading towards a separation, here are a few things you can do to make it go a little better:

Legal check-up

It’s wise to seek professional advice early about your legal rights and options to make sure you are protected in a separation. You should also change passwords on your computer and bank accounts. At some point, you and your partner will have to document all your relationship property, so you could start gathering details of shares, pension funds and anything that’s not already at your fingertips.

Talk to someone

This is really important. While friends and family can provide valuable support, consider seeking counselling as well, either for yourself or as a couple. There was a time when counselling was seen as a sign of weakness, but now it’s widely accepted and even mainstream. Many couples attend counselling, and I highly recommend it. It is normal and healthy to seek a third-party professional.

Do I move out?

If possible, try to continue living in the house together while you are working through everything. In my experience, relationships tend to stay more amicable when couples are still cohabiting. Once you’re living apart, people start to move on with their lives, which can create new challenges. It can also be a strain financially too, as many living expenses are doubled. It can delay lawyers being involved when you possibly could reach an agreement living in the same house. However, if the situation becomes unbearable for your physical or mental wellbeing, moving out may be the best choice for you.

Children should be your focus

If you have children, you’ll have extra decisions to make around visitation, responsibilities, and how everything will work financially. You might need to adjust your work hours to accommodate new arrangements. In any case, you’ll need to make sure your separation is as easy as possible for your children. If you can, break the news to them together as a united front. Before speaking to them, try to sort out some logistics, such as where everyone will live and how often you will see each other. For very young children, “bird-nesting” can be an option. This is where the children live in the house fulltime, while the parents take turns at living in as caregivers.

Minimise stress

Take care of yourself: get more sleep and exercise, drink less alcohol. Schedule time away from your partner if that is going to help keep the peace. Write your feelings down if you are feeling stressed and see your GP.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Focus on the big things: your children, your living arrangements, and the larger items of relationship property. Don’t worry about the smaller chattels at this stage.

Social media!

Keep social media posting to a minimum. We know social media gives a false impression of reality; I often advise clients to cease posting at all. You’re better to spend your time connecting with close friends and family than people who barely know you at a time of stress. It is unwise to seek validation from all your followers on social media following a divorce. Posting a photo of you with your new partner is unwise. Don’t post photos of you drinking. It is not likely to help you to resolve your dispute. Change all your passwords.

Try to stay on good terms with your partner

If you can, take deep breaths and try to maintain a good relationship. This will enable a faster settlement, with less lawyer involvement and less expense. You’ll be better off in the long run.

For most people, our summer break is a time of rising expectations and diminishing stress. When the opposite happens it’s not pleasant, but if handled properly, a January divorce can still result in a new beginning and new hope.