The Ex-Files: Jeremy Sutton on disagreements about caring for parents in old age

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Opinion

OPINION:

Q: My mother lives on her own and is getting less confident about her decisions. She has four caregivers during the week. I think she is getting to the stage where my three siblings and I want to buy her a unit in a retirement village.

She is opposed to moving out of her rented property, and seems to have dementia, but has not been tested or assessed at all. My partner refuses to pay for the cost of the retirement village. She says it is my family's issue to deal with, and wants nothing to do with it. The issue is dividing our relationship. Can you help?

A: My impression is that you have a lot to arrange for the care of your mother. I suggest you take her to her doctor and have her assessed. Explain that it is just routine and nothing to be concerned about. The GP can advise the next steps regarding her possible dementia.

Will and enduring power of attorney

Does your mother have a will and enduring power of attorney?

Your mother's capacity to make a will is a legal question. The law presumes a person has capacity to make a will, and I assume that she does. Next, an enduring power of attorney is a legal document which sets out who can take care of personal or financial matters if you cannot. That person is called an attorney. You can complete the document with your lawyer.

Most solicitors or general practice lawyers can help with a will and an enduring power of attorney.

Moving to a retirement village

Moving from the family home to a retirement village is a significant change. First, you need your mother to consent to the possibility. You can visit the village and explore the options with them. If she consents, you could start off by having her receive a few days of respite care per month. You can then begin to understand her experience, and whether any other arrangements could make her comfortable.

Depending on your mother's situation, she may be entitled to some government support. She also needs independent legal advice if she is to buy a retirement village unit. I recommend you start your research on the New Zealand Government website.

Contracting out agreement

Should you and your partner break up, there may be an issue concerning whether the financial support you provide your mother is a separate debt or a relationship debt.

If your mother stays in her own home, you may need to provide extra home help, which the Government may subsidise. For any amount that you have to provide, you and your partner can categorise it as a separate debt rather than a relationship debt. This means that you would be solely responsible for the debt.

Executing a contracting out agreement about the financial support you advance to your mother or any other matters in your relationship can help reduce the stress involved in the event of a separation. If the sum advanced to her is a large amount, such as a lump sum for a house, you may wish to record this as either a separate or joint debt in a contracting out agreement between you and your partner.

Loan or gift?

The next question is the status of the money between you and your mother. This may partially depend on whether all of your siblings are contributing equally to your mother's care. Further, you need to decide whether the money advanced to your mother is a loan or gift. I recommend that you take legal advice on this point.

Summary

Caring for your parents in later years can be challenging. While I am sure your first priority is to make sure that your mother is properly cared for, it helps to know the legal implications behind the choices you make. However, proper consultation and support can make it easier.