THE QUESTION: Men, how are you using your voice?
Women's voices are frequently criticised for being too shrill, quiet or insecure. It is hard to see how the alternative — being loud, overconfident and "always wrong, yet never in doubt" — would be preferable.
Decades of scientific research show that there is no correlation between the loudness or confidence of one's voice and one's talents or capabilities. The world would benefit more if men lowered their voices and asked more questions instead of giving unsolicited advice in the absence of knowledge or expertise. It is men rather than women who should pay attention to how much space their voices take up in meetings and discussions.
THE CRITICISM: Change the way you speak.
THE QUESTION: Men, are you afraid to say sorry?
Women are repeatedly told to change how they speak. For example, they are often told to stop apologising. This is surprising, since the alternative — namely never apologising — is hardly exemplary behaviour.
Men frequently mansplain, interrupt and undermine colleagues at work, while remaining unaware of their own limitations and unjustifiably pleased with themselves. We will all do better business when men start saying sorry more often.
THE CRITICISM: Be more likable.
THE QUESTION: Men, are you being kind and humble?
Imagine a world in which those in charge actually behave in altruistic ways and influence others with social skills and manners, as opposed to power and privilege. In general, this calls for higher levels of humility, a trait that is more commonly found in women than in men. So, instead of telling women they should smile, be nice and show some manners, how about we demand this from men?
THE CRITICISM: Be less aggressive.
THE QUESTION: Men, do you value empathy over aggression and dominance?
Any sign of assertiveness from women is all too often interpreted as "aggressive." However, since men are generally more openly aggressive than women, and aggression is generally undesirable in the workplace, it would make more sense to ask men to be less aggressive.
Women are also typically better than men at emotional intelligence — a trait that encompasses the ability to make strategic use of your emotions, stay in control of challenging situations and inhibit emotional outbursts. Inhibiting aggression would enable men to be more collaborative and less alpha.
THE CRITICISM: Be more ambitious.
THE QUESTION: Men, are you using your status to help others?
Any society that rewards men for their assertiveness but encourages women to repress their aspirations and motivation is not just perpetuating the underrepresentation of women in power, but also selecting leaders on the basis of their greed and perceived confidence, as opposed to their humility and competence.
Prosocial and altruistic values are more often found in female leaders, whereas self-centered and greedy ambitions are more frequently found in male leaders. It's time to tell men to focus their ambitions on bringing other people with them.
THE CRITICISM: Be easier to work with.
THE QUESTION: Men, are you aware of how others perceive your actions?
Research shows that agreeable men disconfirm traditional gender roles, and that while women are more likely to be agreeable — and hence "easy to work with" — disagreeable men outperform both women and agreeable men in earnings.
If we want to eliminate the bullying, temper tantrums, abuse and sexual harassment that can contaminate workplaces, we must focus on changing men's toxic behaviours at work. Many men would do us all a service by controlling themselves, trying to get along with everyone and considering whether their colleagues find them easy to work with.
THE CRITICISM: Ask for more money (even though you won't get it).
THE QUESTION: Men, are you asking for more money than others?
If you don't ask, you don't get, and men are significantly more likely to ask for a raise, a higher starting salary and a bigger bonus, all of which contributes to the gender pay gap. A simple suggestion for levelling the playing field is to tell men to stop asking for more money. This could eliminate the pressure to give people more simply because they are pushy, entitled or privileged.
If you don't like the sound of that, it's time to make sure everyone gets paid fairly. We should be encouraging men to praise their female colleagues to leadership, recommend their female colleagues for raises and bonuses and make sure the women who report to them are paid the same as their male counterparts. We should be asking men to be transparent about their salaries, giving women the context they need to negotiate for themselves.
Increasing transparency over pay, and basing pay on actual merit and competence, rather than on gender or negotiation tactics, would do more to advance equality than any psychological tips, particularly if they are aimed at fixing women.
If you find our advice controversial, ask yourself why. It's designed to help men, who are currently failing to receive the same amount of advice women are bombarded with and to be helped in these specific areas that will not only benefit them, but create better, happier, more lucrative workplaces.
Written by: Cindy Gallop and Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic
© 2022 Harvard Business School Publishing Corp. Distributed by The New York Times Licensing Group
