Sasha Borissenko: What 'wellbeing in the workplace'?

"The fear of one day being unexpectedly made redundant helps productivity, dear worker bees!" Photo / Getty Images

OPINION

Subject: Working from home policy, tokenistic wins, and more!

Kia ora whanau,

We hope this email finds you well and that you enjoyed the Matariki-weekend. A long-weekend is a perfect chance to get some rest so that you can keep the inevitable burnout at bay. It's also a reminder that with every four-day week it means you'll be working harder the week following to make up for the lost billable hours. The law never sleeps!

As Big Daddy Law firm enters the Māori new year it's a chance to look at our processes, policies, and where we can trim the fat - a sporadic and unexpected move so that you never feel quite secure in your jobs. The fear of one day being unexpectedly made redundant helps productivity, dear worker bees!

Firstly, it's with great excitement that we can reveal that we've finally made our diversity targets, with the addition of a sixth person of colour in our 600-strong workforce. We've also been awarded the Rainbow Tick award for our campaign "Straight Mates".

Thanks to everyone - namely the women in the office - who participated in the rainbow themed cupcake drive. And a particular thanks to the men in the office who stepped up by doing the bare minimum by cleaning their plates in the common area - we see our sticker chart system is working.

After trying and failing to implore a 'hybrid-working' policy, where you were expected to be in the office for 50 of your 70-hour working week, we've decided to change tack. It will no longer be a requirement to come to the office as we're cutting our overheads entirely insofar as there will be no offices at all.

While we had planned to shift to our new offices on the Auckland waterfront in a month's time, as you know the building is yet to be built and our current lease is ending next week. We had worked through consent issues and reluctantly paid back the wage subsidy, but in the end it was the sunset clause that killed our grand plans.

Developer company Dollar Dollar Bills decided to pull the plug, citing the rising costs of supplies, inflation, and the Gib crisis. With mortgage rates continuing to rise, the accounts team realised that the NZD$100million build would be better served lining the pockets of the partnership. This influx of cash won't be trickling down to the workforce, however.

All is not lost - the plans for the beautiful fit-out by interior designer extraordinaire Sally Fancy Shmancy were completed, and we encourage you to replicate her 'vibe' in your home office.

Thank you to the six people who contributed to the "anonymous" staff survey. For those of you who have caregiving responsibilities and find the lack of structure of working from home to be a nightmare - we are listening. We hear you. As a token of thanks for your feedback we hope you will enjoy the $15 Resene voucher for a test-pot of your liking.

The partnership dithered as to whether to offer each staff member an ergonomic chair, a standing desk, and vouchers for cleaning and caregiving services, Internet, and electricity. Instead we decided that the money saved on work attire and commuting was such that you're probably going to be out of pocket, but you're all adults - make it work!

We do, however, care about your wellbeing so please do join us for our Saturday morning Zumba classes with Sheila Jazzercise.

We also wish to stress that we still value presenteeism and micromanagement so we will be sure to keep abreast of the amount of time you're ''on green' in Microsoft Teams. We will also be having daily check-ins or fun "catch-ups" at 7am, 12pm, and 7pm to see how you're faring.

One final note - please refrain from vaping in bed during calls, video cameras are to be on at all times, and look after yourselves!

Ngā mihi,

Lucia Umbridge I People and Culture Manager I Pronouns she/her on behalf of Brad Shmad I Managing Partner I Pronouns he/him

* This column is entirely fictional