Subject: You are cordially invited to the Big Daddy Law Firm Christmas soirée
Kia ora whanau,
It has been quite the year! We hope you enjoyed your Christmas hamper - I am sure that the Remuera Golf Club membership will serve you well - irrespective of age, rank, orfinancial disposition - and I'm sure you will enjoy the random and undesirable bespoke food items - the vegan chia-seed dukkah, blackcurrant vinaigrette, and charcoal-flavoured candy-canes are quite something, I've been told!
While you may have preferred a bonus or supermarket voucher to make up for the million-odd hours worked overtime, you can regift those inedible jellies to family members if need be, and a hamper is not as uncouth or uncivilised as plain-old cash. We want you to feel grateful, not valued here at Big Daddy Law Firm.
So without further ado, lads and ladies, we would like to invite you to this year's Christmas party. Our catering is going to be minimal this year - as you know we have had to reduce the number of staff as a result of cost-cutting.
Overindulging may be frowned upon. Photo / 123RF
It is quite unfortunate that we have had to repay the wage subsidy as a result of reputational pressure from the media. While we have had no major reduction in overall revenue this year, the subsidy would have given us a leg-up over other law firms.
No matter - our limited catering staff have taken a pay-cut and will be providing sourdough toast with the highest quality of butter; saveloy sausages with artisan tomato sauce; our famous three-ingredient scones for those with a sweet tooth; and carrots and kiwifruit dip for the vegetarians. Vegans need not apply - if you can afford to be vegan you can afford to bring your own food.
As for entertainment, we are delighted that the work cover band - Partners en tour - will be playing for two hours and six minutes.
According to members John Smith, John Brown, and John Frank, you can expect to hear great hits such as Wagon Wheel, Why Does Love Do This to Me?, and April Sun in Cuba, as well as a sprinkling of Christmas songs such as Baby it's Cold Outside, Santa Baby, and many more.
As is tradition, the summer clerks will be performing a skit where you can expect men dressing up as women - hilarious as this is - culturally offensive jokes, minor breaches of human and employee rights, and clerks making fun of inappropriate work-place shenanigans.
On the issue of alcohol - as per our alcohol policy there will be beer and wine provided but no spirits unless a partner has taken you under his wing and says otherwise.
There may be no scientific evidence to suggest wine and beer makes you less inebriated than a vodka soda, but it means we can be seen to be making an effort to reduce "the drinking culture".
Speaking of workplace safety, it's unfortunate that WorkSafe has been taking a heavy-handed approach in recent times. It means we strongly advise you to refrain from groping, touching, cuddling, smooching, kissing, and defaming anyone - particularly those who have fewer years' experience.
One positive thing that has arisen from the pandemic is a reduction in sexual harassment claims within the firm. We want this to continue, which means we strongly advise you to keep a two metre distance between parties. To put it frankly, cameras will be on, and all crevices, such as elevators, stairwells, and janitor cupboards will be monitored.
We also strongly advise you to keep your phones at home - this means no Instagram stories, no rogue tweets, and no Facebook Live stream. Remember the slogan: 'say it, forget it, write it, regret it'.
Make sure you can remember what happened at the office party. Photo / 123RF
We hope 2021 will mean we are back to running the tight ship we've had in previous years, where working from home is a distant memory, where 70 hour weeks are the norm, and presenteeism is rife.
It is thanks to our tight ship that we are an employer of choice - which reminds me, a big thank you to human resources and business development teams.
We look forward to seeing you in due course, with bells on.
Meri Kirihimete, Lucia Umbridge I People and Culture Manager, on behalf of John Smith I Managing Partner Level top floor of overpriced building in AKL CBD, 88 Pleasantville, Private Bag 666.
